Succ's diary - Life of Depression 17.3 2007
Lately I haven't been active on these forums at all. The reason behind this is that I've been suffering horribly from migraine and been unbearably tired anddepressed. I was also very ill due to a large amount of caffeine pills I took. No, it wasn't a suicide attempt.
But shall I explain more about my migraine, which I find didn't get as much attention in my previous post as it should have. I'll also tell you what I've been
doing and what I've felt and boring stuff like that.
Yeah so, I have this pretty bad migraine. Infact, I have different kinds of migraines. First, tension migraine which is caused by my neck and back muscles.
This is the type of migraine I mostly suffer from. It's triggered by tension as the name suggest. Even an hour of staring at the chalk board at school makes
my head hurt, imagine seven. I have had an appointment for a masseuer for months now, but I've been too embarrassed to go there due to my greasy skin
and acne problem on my back. Yes, I do know it's their job and they've seen all kinds of stuff, but let me tell you, if I went there before I started taking
the acne meds, the guy wouldn't have needed any oils. But it's all past now, my skin's in good condition, a little dry but no greasiness. And I will very soon
make an new appointment and get this tension things fixed!
Then there's my other migraine. It's triggered by physical stress to my body, such as running or lifting weights, even small ones ( <2kg ).
Because of this I've been relieved from school exercise and I was unable to continue practising football or running or anything. Beta blockers
were only effective in reducing the frequency and severeness of the headache. During 9th grade, before I started taking these, I had migraine almost
24/7. Actually, I don't remember anything from my 9th grade. It's not all because of my migraine, but it still played a good part.
I also know that there are medicines you can take if you're having a migraine attack, but in my case it wasn't really a possibility. The meds I had came
in packs of three and cost something like 5 euros. I would need them 1-2 a day so I couldn't really afford it. Besides, they caused horrible nausea and
made me very tired.
About a year ago I got tired of getting headaches from everything I do, so I started working out. First I stretched for few weeks, which was easily enough
to trigger the migraine, but I still kept doing it. With the help of god-knows how many painkillers. Then I bought small weights and started exercising with them.
As my efforts grew, so did my migraine. But I just doubled the amount of painkillers. It took me about three or four months of exercise before I could
do even stretching without getting headaches. Just in time before summer came and I started jogging. At first I didn't do anything but walked. Mostly
at nights because I couldn't, and still can't, take much sun. Little by little I started jogging in the evening and at night.
During migraine attacks, caused by physical stress, I feel nauseous, there's this horrible pain in my head and I can't see well, like there was a cloud hindering
my vision. I also feel like I'm about to collapse. My arms and legs get numb, my skin is itching and burning.
Eventually those symtoms disappeared, but I still get headache if I try to push myself too hard.
Now I can jog as much as I want to as long as it's not during day time. As I have very light sensitive eyes, I can't spend much time outside. I can manage during
summer, but like now it's spring, it's really really bright because sun rays are reflected from the snow and it's absolutely killing my eyes. But the worst is already
over and in few weeks it should much better.
On the intro I mentioned of taking a large amount of caffeine pills. Before taking those I was very tired, had been for several days and I thought I'd have
to do some homework since I haven't been to school for about three weeks now. Anyway, it was my first time ever taking those so I didn't know what kind
of an effect they'd have on me. I first took ten pills and waited for half an hour, but nothing happened. I took five more and soon five again. At this point I got
interested in how many I took so I count the amount of pills left. It said that every tub contained 100 pills, each of which had 100mg caffeine. There was
about 80 left so I had eaten 20 or so. I didn't think much of it and I didn't feel as tired as I did so I started doing math. But soon my hands started shaking and
I smelled this really weird odor, can't describe it but I seriously hope it's not what other people smell on me. Anyway, I took a shower and I was really really
hyperactive. I did a round or so shadow boxing in front of the mirror (heheh) and I thought I was really fast. In reality it was my eyes which were failing, like the
refresh rate was going down and down and down and down.
I went to bed and slept for few hours. I woke up and my condition was even worse. I felt nauseous and had something like a panic attack. I really felt like
I should just die and that life has no meaning. I'm not afraid of dying, infact every day I'm wishing that I could just disappear from this world, although
killing myself is not something I'd do. Anyway, it's was unbelievably depressing.
I woke up again in few hours and soon vomitted. Slept again for about 15-30 minutes and vomitted again. This kept repeating for about 12 hours. It was
probably the worst day in my life. But I don't regret doing it. I love different kinds of experiences, good or bad.
Just a while ago I brought this mat to my place from home. If you didn't read my previous enty, we had, and still have a bad mold problem in our house.
It's fixed and all, but because the furniture wasn't changed, the smell is still there. Anyway, as Noptical asked me if I have been tested for mold allergy, no,
I haven't been tested. But I know I am allergic. I've known it for sure since I moved out. This mat kind of served as a final proof.
I didn't smell anything but my eyes were burning. I've been feeling extremely tired. I've been in pain in general. They are all symtoms of mold
allergy. I've been reading about mold for years and I've experienced it first hand. It's not something to be toyed with. And one of the worst facts is that
cleaning furniture or decor from mold is next to impossible. You can erase the smell, but the allergen always remains. The only choice you've got is to either
sell your stuff or burn them. You can keep them too, with the expense of your health though. Like my father's doing.
This mat made me think what am I going to do next summer when I have to go home and face the mold again. I'm most concerned about the smell. Then it stroke
me that I once came across a machine which creates ozone. This ozone cleaner is used to erase any smells there might be. It doesn't work against the
mold's allergens, but to be able to have a fresh-smelling house again, it's definitely worth the price of 400 euros. I've already talked to father about this
and he said we might aswell try it. So we're going to get one in the summer or so.
That's a long post again, I need to cool down my brains again. By the way, thank you for your replies Ihatebacteria123, Jimi, noptical. It meant much for me.
And I'd appreciate if someone could say if my english is understandable, no point in writing if no one understands ;) I can be so confusing in my native language too.
I'd also like to share this one song or theme, which I like very much. It's mostly instrumental and it has a sad but somehow happy tune to it. It describes
us, how we are all sad but continue to push forward for the ultimate cure.
Here's the link, it's a mp3 file : http://rapidshare.com/files/21411262/berserk_-_04_-_gattsu.mp3.html (3mb)
Succ