Not so well again, Succ's diary 2.5.2007
Heya, it's been a while since my last post. Bad things have happened to my dad however and I've been pretty busy because of that. Just bad luck after bad luck bahMy dad, currently 62 years old, got fever three weeks ago, and about two weeks ago he went to see a doctor who ordered a bloodtest, and it revealed that my dad’s inflammation levels
were sky-high, over 300. He was immediately taken to hospital where they started giving him strong antibiotics and strong opioids to relieve pain. Since I live in an another town I was unaware
of this, but I was soon contacted by one of dad’s friends who told me about this and that they suspect he has sepsis. Naturally I got very worried and I called my dad in the hospital and when he answered,
I immediately noticed his voice was really tired, but I told him that I’ll come see him in the next few days.
When I got there finally, it was quite a sight. He was very confused due to the infection and painkillers, he wondered between reality and dream. But the worst thing was watching him in such a state
If he moved even a little, incredible pain would strike through him. And let me tell you, my dad doesn’t whine from smallthings, but this time it was different.
I could see from his eyes that he was
about to break and give up. I could so clearly see it, his eyes were full of desperation and sorrow that he didn’t need to say anything.
After I got back from the hospital I started looking over the net about sepsis and it seemed that the mortality rate was high, 20-80%. Things were going to a good direction though,
the inflammation levels were slowly going down and his voice was much clearer and he wasn’t horribly in pain anymore.
Soon however, a problem with his heart arose. They moved him to a bigger hospital, in which they did more test and they revealed his heart got an infection too. At this point I got pretty worried because he’d definitely need a heart surgery and heart surgeries are always risky. Things went well however and he’s getting better again.
His inflammation levels went up for few days again, but they’re slowly coming back down (about 200 now). If no further complications come up, he should be able to come back home in one month.
During this I learned a lot of new things about myself though. I in fact do have emotions and I can rationalize through things with ease. The scariest thing is that when I heard about dad’s sepsis, I soon got pretty calm and relaxed. Of course I was worried for him, but at the same time I felt peace inside myself. I think it’s because I finally had something else than my bb and bo to in my mind. At the same time I find myself disgusting, my dad’s laying in the hospital and I finally feel better of myself? Ridiculous.
My legs and head have been killing me. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with them but they’ve been hurting every day. My beta-blockers also ran out and I find that they didn’t provide me with much help, it’s almost the same without them though I get more headaches. I now consider changing them the next time I see my doctor.
My breath has been pretty bad for the past 3-4 weeks. A rotten/garbage/fecal like smell has been bothering me and usually I don’t really notice it unless it’s bad. I think it’s due to the fact that I’ve eaten normal(real) food, like meat and potatoes. It’s ironic, I can’t tell otherwise. It’s like a vicious circle, no matter what I try it turns out bad. If I eat only bread my breath seems to be better and not so rotten, but I feel bad and tired. If I eat meat and potatoes I feel a lot better but I stink. Right now I’m not sure which direction should I take.
I wonder if you find it extremely hard to buy clothes too. For me it’s really uncomfortable, because although I know almost exactly what kinds of clothes I want, I have great difficulties finding the right shop with the right prices and pieces of clothing. That’s why I normally, even now, have only one or two pairs of jeans I can use, and these I’m wearing now have been worn out from washing already. I’m embarrassed to go outside with these, but luckily I found an on-line shop which sells the kind of jeans I like. I just hope I get them by the end of this week.
I got a new hair cut few weeks ago and it sucks ass seriously. I don’t think it’s bad self-esteem but no matter who the barber and where, the outcome looks always bad on me. I know my hair’s difficult because it’s very blendy and wavy and I like it that way, but sometimes it looks so fking stupid. Especially now since it’s really short, the back of my head and the sides about 15cm and my hair in the front about 6-7cm. And the barber didn’t have even time to dye it so it has an ugly color at the moment. I actually kept a cap for few weeks always when I went to a shop. And the most annoying thing of all is this curse of mine: If my hair is long and I like it, it’s smelly no matter how many times I’d wash it. If it’s short it doesn’t really smell but looks ridiculous and I don’t really recognize myself then.
It’s been about a month again since the last time I was at school. I don’t have the clothes, the hair nor the courage to go there right now. Had I just been able to see that psychiatrist before my dad fell ill things could be otherwise. But it’s out of my hands now, summer vacation is soon and I must start preparing for the next year, it’s supposed to be a turning point in my plan to save myself. If I don’t do it myself, no one will. I will go to the med school after high school, or I simply take my life. Med school will give me a way to help myself and others. I can prescribe myself medicines to test the latest meds and at the same time I get a better understanding of human physiology(through books I mean, not as a human test subject haha). Financially I’m good too, doctors are paid really well and I am really afraid that will be the only comfort in my life I will ever get.
Again I’ve been thinking a lot of my ex-almost-girlfriend. It angers me to admit it, but I’m lonely. I know she deserves better than me, but it’s so difficult to decide. Many would say that love is not a selfish thing, but I disagree. If I were to love her she’d have to endure me and my faults; I can hardly even imagine all the embarrassing moments she’d have to face when she’s with me in public. I’m a fool for falling in love with her, but it brings tears to my eyes every time I think of her. I get so unbelievably jealous when I see people kissing irl or having date on some tv-series. “Why can’t I have that too? Why me, what have I done? Is there any meaning to this? Is this what’s going to happen for the rest of my life?” I ask myself almost every day. I am yearning for someone I can hug and kiss and tender so bad that it tears me apart. Even for a normal high schooler youth is difficult when it comes to women, but for me it’s out of this world. It takes so, so much out of me even to be able to communicate with people, everything seems so impossible. Like I’ve said before, I am very selective when it comes to women. Most of Finnish teens of my age are real drunkards, I don’t like those. There’s a lot more to it, but I’m so afraid that if she was really meant to be the one for me, and I blew it up. She was really really special, out of all the girls I’ve met in my life time, she was by far the best candidate. She spends a lot of time on the computer but she’s not really a nerd. She’s social but she doesn’t have very much friends. She enjoys anime but she’s not a japan-tard. She looks really gorgeous but maybe not in the traditional sense. By traditional I mean the kinds of girls most Finnish guys like; teens. She, on the other hand, was truly beautiful. Although the quality of life was pretty different for us, she standing above me, we still had the same kinds of plans for future. I am not satisfied with the way my life is now, I don’t mean that I had to be rich, but a good pay check is always nice. I want to be able to support myself and those important for me. It’s unacceptable that I had to live on someone else’s expense. Anyway my dream would be just the two of us living a love life in some city, both being doctors for example and making a good living and enjoying life together, an eternal, beautiful romance. This reminds me of a dream I saw not too long ago. I was with some girl who wanted to kiss with me, and when we did it felt so amazing. I felt good for days after that one simple kiss. A real kiss must be something wonderful, I’m afraid I could actually die if I was able to kiss her. But just hugging her on bed would be just as nice too. it’s not going to happen though, that’s the reality I must live in. What do I think? Life sucks haha.
Just before I started typing this I was crying. I had just watched Basilisk: The Kouga Ninja Scrolls anime series. It’s story about ninjas in the late 1500s, Historical/Fantasy/Romance genre. I wouldn’t like to spoil this but the ending was so incredible sad I must tell you. Here’s a small summary from wikipedia:
At the dawn of Japan's Azuchi-Momoyama period (the late 1500s) two rival clan of Ninja, the Iga Tsubagakure and Kouga Manjidani, are engaged in a bitter blood feud that has spanned for centuries. The fighting finally ends when Hattori Hanzo the 1st succeeds in forging a cease fire between the two clans by conscripting both into the service of Tokugawa Ieyasu (the man who seized power to become Shogun and form Japan's first truly stable form of centralized government). Regardless, hostilities and bad blood remain between Koga and Iga, ensuring a tenuous co-existence at best.
Fast forward to the year 1614; Ieyasu has retired from power (although he still wields considerable influence within the government) and passed the torch to his son Hidetada. Unfortunately, a succession dispute has risen concerning which of Ieyasu's grandsons is destined to take up the reins of power when their father finally decides to step down. The various government retainers are beginning to take sides and the Tokugawa Shogunate is on the verge of tearing itself apart.
In order to solve the problem before it spirals out of control, Ieyasu orders the no hostilities pact between the Kouga and Iga to be canceled and commands each clan to send 10 of their best ninja to enter a ruthless and bloody competition of kill or be killed.
The ScrollEach clan will represent one of the two factions supporting Ieyasu's grandsons; the names of their selected fighters recorded on two identical scrolls to be marked out in blood upon their death. The clan that kills the other's chosen ten will be given favor for a thousand years and the grandson they represent will be pronounced heir to the Shogunate.
But not all parties involved are willing to seek blood in the name of ancient grudges. Prior to the conflicts renewal, Kouga and Iga's two young heirs (Gennosuke and Oboro respectively) were betrothed to each other in the hopes that their union would finally dispel their clan's long-seated animosity toward each other. Forced headlong onto separate sides of a conflict they want no part of, Gennosuke and Oboro must now choose whether to kill the person they love or lead their entire clan to annihilation. Against centuries old hatred and the horrors of war, is love even capable of surviving?
Anyway, in the end Gennosuke and Oboro are supposed to fight each other. They are both in love and Oboro kills herself after confessing her love to Gennosuke. Soon Gennosuke kills himself too and they flow down the river together, dead. The scene was made so well that I can hardly even think about it when tears are already coming to my eyes. In my opinion it’s so incredibly sad they killed themselves because they both loved each other and they had a chance to be happy, to be together. Those fking fools should’ve just escaped and lived happily the rest of their lives together. I didn’t use to be like this, crying over some scenes like this. But the older I get, the lonelier I am and it makes me sad and jealous. I too just want someone I can hug.
I’m sorry I must sound pretty emotional, though I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with it since I do have shitloads of problems. Anyway, here’s the opening and a picture, listen to it at least I like it.
P.S sorry but this software is pretty bad, no offence. Formatting doesn't work very well and tags are hard to add. I've been formatting my text over an hour and it still looks bad.
I'm not going to play with it anymore so it may be a little hard to read but anyway:
Opening theme: http://rapidshare.com/files/29000445/02_Kouga_Ninpou_Chou__TV_SIZE_.mp3.html
