Heya! First, I want to apology for my absence, I have been very busy with my life as things have taken a turn for the worst. As I've told you, my dad has been
in the hospital for some time now because of sepsis. About 2 weeks ago his condition got worse and they moved him to ER. They had problems in keeping his blood
pressure up and his kidneys hardly even worked.
Last wednesday I got a call and they told me he was taken off of all machines and medicines and if possible, I should get there in few hours. I got someone to take me
there, and when I saw him he was barely awake as he had been on sleeping meds until few hours ago. He had a lot of fluids in his body( I mean a lot, over 30kg)
and his breathing was difficult. The doctors told me that he probably didn't understand anything but when I watched him into his eyes, his lips moved a little
and although no voice came out, it was clear that he recognized me. He then fell asleep again.
His breathing sounded horrible and extra 30kg of fluids in your body isn't exactly nice either. I couldn't keep watching it anymore and we left with my brother, who too
was there. Few hours after I got home I was phoned and the nurse told me my dad had finally died.
I've noticed that when I get such bad news, I turn quite cheerful and I smile, but inside of me I feel this great weird burden. This time was no different and I've
been feeling quite cheerful and I've been smiling, until now. I was in the shop buying some food when I saw this old man, maybe in his later 60s, with a faint smile on his face.
His expression seemed very similar to what I felt and I just had to leave that place asap. He reminded me of my dad, whom I can never ever see or hear again, I can't share
my feelings or ask for advice, do son-dad stuff or anything.
Although there wasn't anything wrong with our relationship, I was always a little withdrawn from him and everybody else, that's just the way I am. This summer however,
I had hoped that I could go fishing and barbeque and simply spend time with him. I never imagined that I would make the same mistake as almost everyone else;
doing things you can do today tomorrow. I should've said that he was very important to me, even more so than my mom ever was. I never told him how proud of him
I was. He was very peace-loving, didn't want any harm to anyone and worked hard in a bad job. He didn't drink and he had always took care and worried about me
and my brother. He was almost the best best dad I could have ever hoped for, sure he did have his faults but overall he did very well.
Until a week ago wore a cross-necklace, but I ripped it off. I believe in somekind of higher existence, maybe god or rebirth but I don't quite agree with the methods "god"
uses. I'm not mad, I simply just don't want to wear such a symbol as cross. I'd like to explain more about my beliefs but I haven't figured them out yet, I don't have a clear
opinion on this one yet.
I also hope that I had someone dear alongside me, I've said this so many times but here it comes again; someone I can hug and kiss. I don't want to unfold my mind to just anyone,
she has to be very special. You, bbh are special too of course because I'm telling you this, just in a different way. Anyway, it annoys me when someone never-heard relative
comes and hugs and tells me that if there's ever anything I'd like to discuss, they're ready to talk with me. I know they mean good but I have zero interest in opening to someone
like them, I can't talk about my private stuff. It's either you, my special one or a psychiatrist. As I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not seeing a psychiatrist, that leaves only you.
Deal with it ;)
One person told me how amazed she was to see how matured I was, being able to handle things the way I've handled them and living alone and that one day I'll be one
heck of a person, nerves of steel or so. I must admit, this comment did make me feel good about myself. If only she knew what I and we are going through every day, I think
she'd have a better understanding where this strength comes from. We are strong, alone and together, and we must be. If we can't face our problem then it's all in vain,
we live our life for nothing. I'll fking make sure my dad can be proud of me when I grow up, I want to archieve something great.
I'll write more when I feel like it, I'd have a lot more to tell you about but I'm feeling tired atm.
P.s. I entered a driving school few weeks ago, I will have a driving license very soon :)
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Bad Breath Halitosis
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