the illusion of being alone

[Guest]

The honesty with which everyone on this forum speaks nearly brought me to tears. If there is anything good that can come from this private ordeal, it is that, in the end, it causes you to be completely relentless, and it causes you to not fear honestly. Finally one gets tired of hiding. There is nothing superficial or false...because in comparison to living with this problem, rules of social conventions pale.

I have felt everything from pretending that the problem doesn't exist, to wanting to stop caring altogether and retreating into a private hole, or else turning into a complete animal who, out of self-pity, simply doesn't care about my effect on others. I have even felt cruelty stemming out of pure aloneness...It is just me and it, the problem, and I have felt in myself sometimes the desire to make friends with the problem and spit on everyone else, if this makes any objective sense. As though the problem is the only remaining "human" whom I do not have to turn away from, who would understand.

Well, it has been only three years since I have been aware of the problem. I have no idea if it existed before it was pointed out to me. It still continues to control my life like nothing else. I laugh sometimes in an ironic and pained way when I imagine that it is impossible to guess from my appearance that such a horrid bruden is corroding my existence. I would have been a beautiful girl with bright blue eyes....but sadly there is much more to beauty. Beauty is in the way a person communicates, looks at the other during conversations, smiles, etc. None of these things I have ever been able to do. The physical proportions of my face mean nothing. I live like the hunchaback of notre dam. Just watching people communicatign with each other on a daily basis causes me to weep...How relative everything is. How much they take for granted.

Thank you for this forum, this website, and your openness.

Thankfully the feeling that I am the only human who has ever harbored these thoughts is only an illusion.

-A

[Jimi Stein]

Welcome to our site Ankur. Nice to have you here.

[vonreally]

Ankur, your post was an eloquently written summarization of your feelings. i too suffer from this problem and i also feel very alone. i have many people i have known for years and they think of me as quiet or distant. inside i am dying to say something i want to be expressive and love. i cannot because i will be rejected if i open up. i have had many jobs and i usually keep to myself at them because if someone tries to befriend me i fear they will find my out my secret and ridicule me. it has happend before people leaving pictures of mouthwash cut from magazines, or toothbrushes at my desk. one guy at found out about my problem at my job and would make jokes with others around me so i could hear them. what am i going to say though i probably wouldn't want to smell my breath either if i could. anyway your post helped me cope a little more i need a friend even if i don't know you personally. i wish people could understand this is beyond our control. but then again i don't go hanging around garbage cans all day or hang out in bathrooms. it's just not fair i have tried everything. sometimes i curse god i cannot believe he could bring such beautiful creatures into this world and make them suffer so much. ***k all the assholes out there that have no decency to help us and instead are only money hungry and trying to make a buck. thanks for letting me vent and good luck to all of us. great site jimi !!!