I have reached a point where I am tired. I am tired of the isolation. I am tired of the comments, the jokes. I am tired of the laughter. I am tired of the disrespect. I am tired of letting people take advantage of and walk all over me because I'm too afraid to speak up for myself. I'm afraid of all social situations. I make up lies all the time when I get invited out. I don't even know why people invite me out. I hide from the world. I hide from my family. I have spent every major holiday alone for the past six years, maybe more. I have become a recluse. I am socially awkward now. I'm afraid of people. I hold my breath as much as I can when I am sitting or standing next to someone else. My defense mechanisms don't work. I wonder if they every did in the first place. People act like I'm doing this on purpose. They think I just don't take care of my body. I'm a leper. I'm a pariah. I can't take it anymore.
My professional life is suffering. I've had this job for about five months now (no idea how I got it with this condition), but there are people there who never talk to me. They sniffle when they walk past my desk. Quick story: I remember when I was shadowing one day and the girl I was shadowing put a piece of gum in her mouth, a peppermint, and a lifesaver all AT THE SAME TIME. Damn, that hurt. I really think they're looking for a way to get rid of me. Don't be surprised if I come back to this thread and share the news that I've been fired. They won't say it's BB, but I'll know.
Despite the fact that I'm tall and I've been told numerous times that I'm handsome, I can't get a girlfriend. Even when I notice girls looking at me, I pretend to not notice. I don't want to have to walk up to them or have them walk up to me. I haven't kissed a girl's lips in almost two years. I've had a few girlfriends in my life, but I don't know how I pulled it off. I know my last girlfriend's parents hated me and must have rejoiced the day they found out she broke up with me.
At this point, I can't even be mad at anyone. I'm mad at the fact that this is how my life has turned out. It feels like I'll never reach my true potential. My confidence hasn't existed for almost a decade. I have NONE. My self-esteem is gone. I am doubting my whole belief system. I stopped asking God for healing. I've stopped going to Church. I don't read my Bible anymore. I'm alone. I don't feel like anyone understands me.
My goal is not to depress anyone. None of you owes me anything . . . you don't even know me. I guess I just needed to feel like someone is listening . . . someone who understands what this is like. I have written s*****e letters and wonder if the day will come that I send them out. If that day comes, it's because I've finally made the decision to end it all. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to stop being the guy with the bad breath. The stink or stank breath. All this typing and I still only scratched the surface.
](./images/smilies/eusa_wall.gif "Brick wall"){kind=small}
