vent

[waitingforrelief]

i told myself that i'd stop coming to this site and obsess over my bb so much. and i did. for a while. i'd check in every few days and that was it. but this week i'm back to lingering here all the time, as if all the time spent reading and re-reading everything would give me a sudden epiphany of where my problem lies. *sigh*

i'm sick of myself venting and complaining and crying and feeling depressed and angry and bitter and sad and worrying and obsessing about it. it gets really old after a while. i am sick of having my entire life revolve around this f***king stupid issue that seems so meaningless. i am sick of brushing my teeth, cleaning my mouth, hocking out spit, and waiting for that one time when i don't seme to smell an odor from the spit and then try to believe that it's not there before i walk out the door. i'm sick of hanging on to that belief until someone walks up to me and the bubble is burst. i'm sick of being able to hang on to that belief when people do not walk up to me and we just talk at a comfortable distance but then all of a sudden in the middle of my speaking i catch a whiff of that shit smell. i am sick of not being able to concentrate on what people are saying to me because i'm only thinking of an escape route so that they won't smell my breath. i'm sick of talking to my therapist week after week, beating around this biggest issue of my life, so shame-ridden that i can't tell her a health problem when i've told her all kinds of other intimate stuff. i'm sick of getting aches and pains everywhere on my body from tensing up in front of people so much. i'm sick of being fearful before eating anything, and feel like i can't eat nothing. and then of course i keep slipping precisely because i fele like i am not SUPPOSED to eat those things. then catching a whiff of that same old smell again after the meal, and then beating myself up and feeling endlessly guilty for "making" my breath bad again. i'm sick of this prison of loneliness and aloneness that i feel trapped in all the time. i'm sick of avoiding my family for months and months and months, because of all people, somehow i can accept having bad breath the least in front of them. i'm sick of practically having a silent panic attack whenever i hear the words "smell", "breath", "odor", "garlic", "onion" uttered in front of me. i'm sick of being fearful. i'm sick of feeling like any minute, some strange odor is going to spring up from some mysterious place and there's nothing that i can do about it. i'm sick of feleing that i'm never safe. that even if i *think* my breath is ok at the time, it's probably not. and then even if it is, it'll turn bad any moment. i know that negative thinking is not good for you, blah blah blah. but i am sick of not being able to help it and think fearful thoughts at all times anyway. i'm sick of trying to test my own breath soooooooooooooooo many f**king times a day, alone or when i'm with people (discreetly), that my jaw and neck feels all sore and tense. i'm sick of not being able to utter words clearly because i'm afraid to exhale and open my mouth too wide. i got a very first comment where someone said " it smells like cow manure here". the person was sitting next to me and he was the only person who said he could smell it. and i'm expecting more of that comment to come at me in the future as my odor problem deteriorates. i'm sick of forgetting the kind of food that i used to like, which i'd stopped having because they made my breath worse, and that i'd tell myself and others that i didn't like them in order to explain my not touching them, because as time went on, i'd have forgotten that it was alway's a lie. that i actually used to like them. i dont' know what those foods were anymore, having organized to my likes and dislikes around my survival of having bb. i'm sick of feeling dirty, tainted. i'm sick of feeling less than everybody else. i'm sick of acting like i'm not in a social mood/tired/stressed when all i want to do is put my arm around my friends and give them a big smile and hello right into their face. i'm sick of getting stressed only because i've to get in a car. i'm sick of not being able to kiss without making someone's breath bad as well. i'm sick of being a germ-giver. i'm sick of feeling like i contaminate and pollute. i'm sick of not living because of my bad breath, even tho' i know i still have a lot of other kinds of fear besides that. i'm sick of talking about it to the only person i've ever talked to in my life - and i have not talked about it much and for long at all. i'm just sick and tired of it all tonight.

[noptical]

I think what you wrote speaks for all of us. We've become very obsessed with this problem but how could we not be? Wherever we go its with us 24/7 trying to make our lives a living hell.
But dont try to avoid it, that will only help you a little psychologically but in reality, it will get worse and worse. All you need to do is confront it as much as possible. Visit this site as much as you can, try to find connection between symptoms, visit DOCS about your problems (ENT, allergists) and one day (which is probably not far) we'll find that damned cure. It needs A LOT of MOTIVATION.
See what John (oceanside) did, there was a 1/1000 chance that someone from a big company would help us yet he did mail him, he did tell other users to do so, he speaked with Mr. Immel etc and organised something that is probably a huge relief for many since many of us will receive the samples from new lavoris. All that with the risk of wasting his precious time and probably let down one more time. But this is motivation, willing to do anything to cure your problem and not caring about failure because you will have some failures but you need to keep going because it's a one way road.

Dedicate all you free time to this, I'm not saying give up TV or your everyday habbits, just all that time you dont have anything to do, dedicate it to this problem. Trying visiting multiple ENTs and have various tests done and hear their opinion, visit a gastroenterologist and do every test you can, an allergist and have an allergy test done. If you see you dont like one doc and that he doesnt sound so sure about his sayings, go to another one. (I know you probably done many of those things I mentioned). Docs don't know about bad breath, but at least they can find some problem in your health. Try to fix any problems and imbalances, there are sooooooo many health problems that cause bad breath that one wouldn't even think those 2 are relevant.

[waitingforrelief]

hey noptical, thanks for your reply. i actually haven't consulted doctors that much but will start to now. for the longest time, the only person i'd consulted was a breath specialist/dentist. i got the diagnosis that yes, you have bad breath, and here's a bottle of one of those bleach-smelling rinses. and there's no cure but it really is not such a big deal as far as life goes. good luck.

after that, i was soooo completely demoralized that i never thought to consult a doctor. not to mention the shame factor. i've always been too embarrassed to bring it up.

i have brought it up with other kinds of alternative medicine doctors like chinese medicine, ayurveda, etc... i never thought that it was a real medical issue until very recently. it's been years since i last saw an ENT and i do believe it is time to see one now. but i've been procrastinating . i don't know what i'm afraid of. as if i should be afraid of even just the remote possibility of finding a solution.

i guess i know what part of the fear is tho'. just another disappointment.

but i do know that it's time for action.

i know that we need to do research, etc... it's just that i feel like i've gone past a point where it helps. and where it might actually help, like talking to a doc, i don't always do. and i do neglect my duties in life a lot because of this. there are things that i feel passionate about, things that i love to do. but i don't always do them because even alone, i'm haunted by the presence of the smell and let it get between me and my passion for what i love.

i do have good days and bad days tho'. today's not too bad (yet - it's usually worse at night). i'll try to have a more positive attitude (the nice weather today definitely helped.) tonight. and thanks so much for listening (reading), noptical.

[succ]

i told myself that i'd stop coming to this site and obsess over my bb so much. and i did. for a while. i'd check in every few days and that was it. but this week i'm back to lingering here all the time, as if all the time spent reading and re-reading everything would give me a sudden epiphany of where my problem lies. *sigh*

i'm sick of myself venting and complaining and crying and feeling depressed and angry and bitter and sad and worrying and obsessing about it. it gets really old after a while. i am sick of having my entire life revolve around this f***king stupid issue that seems so meaningless. i am sick of brushing my teeth, cleaning my mouth, hocking out spit, and waiting for that one time when i don't seme to smell an odor from the spit and then try to believe that it's not there before i walk out the door. i'm sick of hanging on to that belief until someone walks up to me and the bubble is burst. i'm sick of being able to hang on to that belief when people do not walk up to me and we just talk at a comfortable distance but then all of a sudden in the middle of my speaking i catch a whiff of that shit smell. i am sick of not being able to concentrate on what people are saying to me because i'm only thinking of an escape route so that they won't smell my breath. i'm sick of talking to my therapist week after week, beating around this biggest issue of my life, so shame-ridden that i can't tell her a health problem when i've told her all kinds of other intimate stuff. i'm sick of getting aches and pains everywhere on my body from tensing up in front of people so much. i'm sick of being fearful before eating anything, and feel like i can't eat nothing. and then of course i keep slipping precisely because i fele like i am not SUPPOSED to eat those things. then catching a whiff of that same old smell again after the meal, and then beating myself up and feeling endlessly guilty for "making" my breath bad again. i'm sick of this prison of loneliness and aloneness that i feel trapped in all the time. i'm sick of avoiding my family for months and months and months, because of all people, somehow i can accept having bad breath the least in front of them. i'm sick of practically having a silent panic attack whenever i hear the words "smell", "breath", "odor", "garlic", "onion" uttered in front of me. i'm sick of being fearful. i'm sick of feeling like any minute, some strange odor is going to spring up from some mysterious place and there's nothing that i can do about it. i'm sick of feleing that i'm never safe. that even if i *think* my breath is ok at the time, it's probably not. and then even if it is, it'll turn bad any moment. i know that negative thinking is not good for you, blah blah blah. but i am sick of not being able to help it and think fearful thoughts at all times anyway. i'm sick of trying to test my own breath soooooooooooooooo many f**king times a day, alone or when i'm with people (discreetly), that my jaw and neck feels all sore and tense. i'm sick of not being able to utter words clearly because i'm afraid to exhale and open my mouth too wide. i got a very first comment where someone said " it smells like cow manure here". the person was sitting next to me and he was the only person who said he could smell it. and i'm expecting more of that comment to come at me in the future as my odor problem deteriorates. i'm sick of forgetting the kind of food that i used to like, which i'd stopped having because they made my breath worse, and that i'd tell myself and others that i didn't like them in order to explain my not touching them, because as time went on, i'd have forgotten that it was alway's a lie. that i actually used to like them. i dont' know what those foods were anymore, having organized to my likes and dislikes around my survival of having bb. i'm sick of feeling dirty, tainted. i'm sick of feeling less than everybody else. i'm sick of acting like i'm not in a social mood/tired/stressed when all i want to do is put my arm around my friends and give them a big smile and hello right into their face. i'm sick of getting stressed only because i've to get in a car. i'm sick of not being able to kiss without making someone's breath bad as well. i'm sick of being a germ-giver. i'm sick of feeling like i contaminate and pollute. i'm sick of not living because of my bad breath, even tho' i know i still have a lot of other kinds of fear besides that. i'm sick of talking about it to the only person i've ever talked to in my life - and i have not talked about it much and for long at all. i'm just sick and tired of it all tonight.

I feel your pain man. It’s as if social situations aren’t hard enough, getting aches and pains is just horrible. Days feel so long because of this. And when you get back home, you’re tired like you would’ve been working for a day instead of just few hours.

The bubbles are so ironic too. Whenever you’re feeling good about yourself and feel relaxed or “cool” around people, someone sniffs, coughs or mentions something about smell. You can never be safe, it’s constant battling with this. You can see with your own eyes how people become uncomfortable near you. Always holding your breath when someone is close to you or passing by, turning and keeping your head down in other people's company, completely ignoring them. Being a disease to this planet, a disease to other people.
As if we’re test subjects for mad professor to study human behaviour, how we act and behave under extreme stress. But only at nights, in your own bed you can feel a moment of relaxation. But just for a moment, it’s another day tomorrow and when you close your eyes.. you’ll wake up and yet another nightmare waits for you. I don’t want to sleep, grant me just a moment of peace.

[CyberchndriacNot]

Hi waiting, I share the pain etched in you - you're not alone in this. The symptoms you describe are part of our every waking day. In order to operate in society we have had to learn how to circumvent behavioural norms and this attention and absorption of the self tires us endlessly. I've often been asked if I had stepped in shit which has resulted in me removing myself from social situations. My worst fear is being expected to undertake group work with my colleagues because I know that I can only control my breath for about the 1st 5 mins then after that it's gum chewing, mint popping and sneaking out to continually rinse my mouth and drink some parsley concoction. As you probably can tell from my previous postings I am trying things out all the time, even so far as turning myself into a guinea pig in the hope of a cure. Like you, I have never been satisfied with the various doctors and dentists I have dealt with and think that it's a waste of time to visit them as I have lost confidence in their ability to understand this delibitating illness. I still believe that in the near future we will identify the culprit/s and find ways to manage this condition. I also believe that there's a momentum building and that through this forum , people's postings and our own analyses will help scientists to identify the causes and find (a) solution/s for us. So don't give up hope, keep trying different things and get the courage to visit the doctors only if it is to get some tests done so that you can elimiante various conditions. I know I have to get allergy tests done, so will also need to find the courage to start this all over again. Perhaps we should make a pact and decide that we will make appointments this week after the weekend, otherwise I know I'll keep procrastinating? I was down last week and you helped to lift my spirits and I thank you for this. Today, I'm feeling a little more up-beat so it's my turn. In the meantime, have you tried the parsley drink? Chop up a handful of parsley, steep it in boiling hot water and drink whist warm and eat all the parsley. Pretty yucky but heaps better than going out with smelly breath, even if, for a few minutes of relief.

[CyberchndriacNot]

Hi waiting I was wondering what had happened to you and was just about going to post a message, 'has anybody heard from waiting?'. I was starting to get worried! In answer to your questions, how have I been able to confront it? Do you know that it's only happened in the last 3 weeks since joining this forum. Thanks John, Jimi, Noptical, Austuser, succ, waiting, unsung who were so open about their problems - I knew I had been experiencing similar issues all these years. Initially, I thought I can't possibly be talking openly about all these gross things. Then I saw the energy they were putting into finding a cure and how passionate they were in doing this. It had always been a silent condition and i thought no, I need to do my bit - I also want a cure; we need to work together on this. This is when I started opening up. I emailed my brothers and sisters to tell them about the H. Pylori treatment I was undertaking. Not one of them has got back to me on this, although we've been in constant touch with each other about all other matters. It just shows you that people are not willing to talk about it, although I wonder if they're all on the TT!

My husband always knew I had this problem, but I don't think it was that bad when I was a teen. I think it has got progressively worse over the years and he just says that smell is you and I accept you as you are. I suppose I'm pretty lucky but can understand how difficult it must be to get into a relationship with anybody becuase I know that when I'm at my smelliest, i'll often turn away so as not to invade my husband's personal space of fresh air.

Re doctors, I always felt stupid going to a doctor and having to state my condition. I never went to our family doctors though. That's how embarrased I was! each doctor I had seen grilled me about my personal issues and I knew they were looking for a psychological cause. Somehow I managed to convince them that I was in a stable relationship, worked in a regular job and was a normal human being. But I can say that not one of them helped. Yes they tested me for some things and looked for reasons, but I don't feel that anyone has ever seriously had intentions to be thorough and eliminate every possible reason. I felt as if it was just me on this silent struggle.

With regard to the allergy tests. I've also been procrastinating and not done a thing. Maybe when you're ready, we'll say Yep, let's go and find somebody and do it!

Anyway you need to know the latest. Mastic is providing me with relief. I'm going to post some more info on it shortly. At the moment this is providing more relief for longer periods of time (antibiotics excluded) than any other parsley, cinnamon, cloves, baking soda, vinegar, perppermint, probiotics combined ever did.

[waitingforrelief]

hi cyber -

thanks for thinking of me when i was away.

so you only started to talk to your husband about it 3 weeks ago? i'm glad you've decided to open up about it. so you've had this problem since you were a teen? how long has it been? i think mine started when i was about 15 or so (shortly after a sinus surgery). and i'm now 32. Like you, it has been getting progressively worse.

i will call a doc today. so i hope you'll go to an allergist as well. i'm ready to tackle this.

[waitingforrelief]

I feel your pain man. It’s as if social situations aren’t hard enough, getting aches and pains is just horrible. Days feel so long because of this. And when you get back home, you’re tired like you would’ve been working for a day instead of just few hours.

The bubbles are so ironic too. Whenever you’re feeling good about yourself and feel relaxed or “cool” around people, someone sniffs, coughs or mentions something about smell. You can never be safe, it’s constant battling with this. You can see with your own eyes how people become uncomfortable near you. Always holding your breath when someone is close to you or passing by, turning and keeping your head down in other people's company, completely ignoring them. Being a disease to this planet, a disease to other people.
As if we’re test subjects for mad professor to study human behaviour, how we act and behave under extreme stress. But only at nights, in your own bed you can feel a moment of relaxation. But just for a moment, it’s another day tomorrow and when you close your eyes.. you’ll wake up and yet another nightmare waits for you. I don’t want to sleep, grant me just a moment of peace.

thanks for writing back succ. i know what you mean - even when i'm feeling good, one little thing can send my internal bb alarm off and put me in a silent panic inside.

i find that one thing has helped - not really with the odor itself, but to cope. which is meditation. maybe it's a bit too new agey or whatever for some people, but it does give me some peace and it makes me not as wound up as i would otherwise be. so it helps with the aches and pains too.

[CyberchndriacNot]

sorry waiting , I must not have made myself clear. My husband's known all along but in my early 20s I don't think it was as bad as it has been for the past 15 or so years - or he's just a very accepting person and I'd been able to discuss the causes, symptoms, trying things etc with him. In the last 3 weeks I've opened up publicly to my condition, meaning that I have talked about it for the first time on this forum in such detail, that I have emailed my family and talked about it with a friend. I never had the courage to talk about it with anybody else and have always avoided group situations. Being a teacher this has been very difficult but I've always kept my distance and when I had to be in an enclosed space I'd insist that we move into a larger classroom. I also keep my distance in class and am always popping mints and chewing gum to minimise the odour. I think it started (or I noticed it first)when I was in high school about 14 - 15 years of age. Up until puberty I had suffered from bronchitis and then grew out of it. I suspect it was the antibiotics that triggered the flora imbalance. My life ever since has been consumed with managing this situation day in day out.

[waitingforrelief]

just whining again.

i had to go to work today. (I have an irregular schedule) it was only for 2 1/2 hrs at a time - the afternoon started off fine. somebody even talked to me way up closer than usual and didn't react. (altho' at the same time somebody else I thought tightened her face, but i'm not sure.) i tried to not care and kept talking. but after less than 2 hours later, i could smell this really weird metallic almost fishy awful odor coming out of my nose. (i don't know if i have tmau or not - altho' i doubt it. since this fishy smell is a new thing that accompanies the metallic smell - i never had this until these few months, i think) i could literally smell it sometimes after i exhaled. i was with people the whole time. i was so afraid to talk it was torturous.

after work, somebody came up to me to chat, and i was wound up so tight i dind't know what to do. i tried to be polite and pretended to be in a hurry and got out of there.

but i have to go back in an hour. i don't know what to do. i came home hoping to scrub everything that i could scrub and hopefully it'll be marginally better. i didn't use to have to worry about smells coming out of my nose as well. i could smell the odor all around me just now. the person sitting next to me (she's kind of my friend - i'm quite certain that she's already noticed my bb, and she usually doesnt' give me much reaction - only once in a while, and it's usually mild. but even she acted uncomfortable with my new pungent scent!) what the hell is next? my skin? i'm at my wit's end.

i'll have to be around people a lot this week. i wish i could call in sick but i can't.

[noptical]

wfr, since you are sure that your bb came after a sinus surgery, why dont you look into it more? Most of us dont know why we have the problem and what is the cause but you already know how it happened. Visit an ENT and try to find out what problem the surgery caused you. Did you have your tonsils removed or shortened? Do you have a crusty dry nose? Do you sometimes feel like your nose is congested when its not and theres no mucus at all?

[waitingforrelief]

wfr, since you are sure that your bb came after a sinus surgery, why dont you look into it more? Most of us dont know why we have the problem and what is the cause but you already know how it happened. Visit an ENT and try to find out what problem the surgery caused you. Did you have your tonsils removed or shortened? Do you have a crusty dry nose? Do you sometimes feel like your nose is congested when its not and theres no mucus at all?

well i thought the start of my bb coincided with after the surgery. i have a very blurry memory so i don't actually know how soon after the surgery did it happen. it could've been at least a year or two later, even. but anyway, noptical, you have a point. i am planning on calling an ENT to try to find out whatever that i can find out.

i do have a crusty dry nose and you re right. sometimes i feel like my nose is congested but there's no mucus. does that mean something?

[noptical]

i do have a crusty dry nose and you re right. sometimes i feel like my nose is congested but there's no mucus. does that mean something?

look up "empty nose syndrome" on google

and check this too: http://www.geocities.com/shouser144/empty.html

[waitingforrelief]

thanks for the info noptical.

i have found out ENT's in my insurance network and will call tomorrow.