What kind of personality do you have?

[godblessyou2493]

I’m curious how this disease have damaged our personality and our self esteem.
I will write something about myself and I would like to know your honest stories too to see if we have something in common to understand in which way the bb have influenced our self esteem and personalites.

I’m 30 yo, first I want to mention that I find myself not having a genuine personality, I never been myself a single time since I have this disease I feel empty inside really I don’t know who m I. I never been truly happy one single time in my entire life, I’m very depressed, anxious and insecure about everything also when I’m alone.
In the last four years I made an obsession to find the cure for this disease and only this thing is in my mind I go to sleep with this idea and wake up with it. I was/I’m very depressed most likely because I found that is impossible to live a normal life with this nightmare, there is no future.

I don’t enjoy to stay around my friends/familly, I’m never connected in group discussions and I never want to meet new people, my mind is always on my bb. I feel like that I have 0 empathy in discussions with other people. In social meetings I’m always a fake person, I do fake smiles when someone do a joke, I try to make people think that I’m not a insecure person but inside I’m dead. So in conclusion I feel a fake person when I’m around people, I’m afraid that this disease made me a covert narcissist (check on google what is it), I have a lot of the symptoms. And I hope if I will be cured and fix this trauma will have again a normal personality enjoying what every normal people does.

One more thing I never open myself to my familly or everyone about my problems, I try to make them think that everything is fine. I tried one time to explain to my mother when I was 16 and she said that I’m crazy and scream at me and also she let know the entire familly about this thing making them think that I was crazy.

[the_winter_soldier]

I can sympathize with your situation because i feel the same way majority of the time, for me i know who i was before i got bb, i was the guy making friends with everyone in my class, specially in high school i had a really great social life, after 5 years of chronic stress due to university & bb, i no longer remember what i used to say to random people, no longer remember what i used to joke about, my bb got so bad i started isolating myself, talking less & less, just spending a lot more time with music & movies.

My worst times are behind me with my bb, even though it's still horrible & i wake up everyday hoping to eliminate it, now it's a bit better than it was 5 years ago, i'm not myself most of the times on social situation as well because how bad my breath is on this particular day is always on the back of my mind. That's why music is such a huge part of my life now, it's the only place where i can truly let go & lose myself in the moment.

The only person that knows about my bb & how much i'm struggling with it is my mom, she took me for Coronectomy, then Tonsilloctomy few months later, after that didn't work out she got me 'tranditional medicin' which didn't work at all, she finally told me the only thing we can do about is to pray. i never really told my brother who i'm really close with. so imagine how bad it is for me, if even a mother can not denie it like most of the people on this forum have reported LMAO.

It's been 9 years since i had bb & it defined my early 20s, but this past couple of years i've been trying to live the life i want, going on vacations, concerts, festivals & spending more time to heal myself... there is a part of me that thinks i might grow old without fixing it while another part of me is feeling like i'm really close to the cure. One thing i'm really grateful about is that i can work remotely so i don't need to be in the office 5 days a week offending my teammates, i also no longer live with my parents so i don't have to stress about my bb when interacting with them, But dating or any kind of romantic life is unthinkable with this problem & i have no idea how people on this forum are married with kids & stuff.

Just so you know, if your bb is from the gut, it will not only affect your gut but your mind as well, the gut brain axis is a real thing, whenever your gut is not right, your mind quickly follows, so if you finally happen to solve your issue, then feeling like yourself is going to be a given.