My story/My struggle

[Looking For Hope]

Hello everyone,

I just came home from surgery for a tonsillectomy and andenoidectomy. Before I go any further let me introduce myself. I have suffered from severe chronic halitosis for nearly all my life. I first really became aware of the true seriousness of my problem during my early years of elementary school. Kids....the most brutally honest people there are! I need not tell many of you how psychologically damning this condition truly is. I am single and never really had a serious relationship due to this condition. At this point of my life I have come to grips with who I am and that I will probably never find someone who will want to be with me. The fantasies that consume me do not involve love, sex, romance or anything intimate. My deepest and most desired fantasy is to be able to have a normal conversation with anyone about anything without having them back away from me, rub their nose, and make disgusting faces at me after they smell my breath.

For years I have tried everything. Frequent dental cleanings, numerous brushing and flossing sessions throughout the day, gums, mints, chlorophyll pills, parsley, and every so called miracle mouthwash you could possibly imagine. I don't how much money I have spent for these miracle cures. Just as the same for many of you, none of this crap remotely worked for me.

I live my life like a hermit. I shun crowds, I hold my breath when I'm at the check out buying groceries, and I don't make it a point to go out with people even if they were the ones that invited me. The thing that kills me most is that deep down I am a very social person and have so much to say and share. It just devastates me when a girl actually comes smiling wanting to speak with me and when I open my mouth she makes that face I have become so accustomed to seeing. Those wincing eyes, mouth agape, and the immediate hand flying over her nose. I avoid people just to avoid their reactions. Even the ones who I know are trying to be polite. It hurts me to see people you work with on a regular basis rub their nose when they see you coming from a distance. I know I'm too far away for them to smell me, but in their mind they see me and that just triggers their memory of smelling sewer water. I just can't put into words the psychological pain I have felt all these years. Feelings of lonliness, frustration, being a freak, depression, and most of all envy of the so many people around me who are quite simply, "Normal." I try to live my life from one moment to the next. A good movie here, a nice meal at a restaurant, overseas trip, good TV shows, etc... Of course all these I do alone....

From where i stand this is my "Shot in the dark!" I have nothing to lose. I went to an ENT and confessed with unabashed honesty about my breath problem. He was sympathetic to my problem. He related that he has seen this before and the usual culprits were tonsils. He also mentioned andenoids as they can cause nasal drips leading to bad breath. So I went ahead and got both of these things ripped out. The back of my throat looks like broiled fish, literally. However I am in not much pain at all. It's no different when you get sick and have a sore throat. Of course I'm attributing this to the Hydrocodone (pain killer) I just took.

Do I expect this procedure to cure me? The answer to that is "No." I do hope at least that my breath will improve to the point where everyone in the room can't smell me coming from several feet away. As the days progress, I will try to update you guys on my progress and healing. It will be several weeks or maybe a couple of months until I'm fully healed, but when that happens, I will come back and make an update if this procedure actually helped me or not.

Part of me is glad that there are others out their fighting this screwed up curse, I don't really feel that alone. At the same time I'm am saddned that there are so many out there who suffer with such pain and humiliation as me. Of all the ailments to suffer from, why the hell did it have to be this one!!!??? Take care everyone.

[Looking For Hope]

Hello everyone,

Oh my God! When I first got home the pain wasn't too bad. But now I am really, really, suffering!!! I have not been able to get a wink of sleep since the surgery over 24 hours ago and counting. I feel I won't be able to sleep anytime soon! The main reason for this I suspect is my adenoid removal. Everytime I lay down or if I even dip my head back at the slightest angle, my nasal passages immediately collapse. I'm literally choking for air. I know it's not mucus because I can breath normally if I sit or stand perfectly erect. My mouth is producing massive amounts of thick saliva which I'm spitting out every few minutes. As for the pain from the tonsillectomy, I have been taking without fail at the minimal interval of every four hours the liquid pain killers. The thing is the stupid pain killers wears off at three hours! Even when it does take full effect, it still leaves a fair amount of bad pain. If things don't get better, I will ask my ENT if he could prescribe a stronger pain killer. I wouldn't mind the pain so much if I could just sleep a little here and there. My ENT told me that adenoids tend to shrivel to nothing for adults. For some reason, my ENT told me that he found fairly descent sized ones in me. I am forcing myself through the pain to drink as much water, ensure, and soy milk as I can. The ironic thing is hunger pangs haven't been an issue yet due to the lousy throbbing pain! I am experiencing no bleeding from my throat or nose. My ENT did a good job of burning the wounds closed. I read Happy Day's testimony on how his procedure was a cake walk for him. Unfortunately up until this point, my cake has been filled with broken glass! For those of you still considering this procedure, just be prepared for the worst. Some of you will be lucky and will glide through this, and some of you will start crawling from start. Again for all those suffering, good luck with your endeavors and may you find peace in your life.

[elliott]

I live my life like a hermit. I shun crowds, I hold my breath when I'm at the check out buying groceries, and I don't make it a point to go out with people even if they were the ones that invited me. The thing that kills me most is that deep down I am a very social person and have so much to say and share. It just devastates me when a girl actually comes smiling wanting to speak with me and when I open my mouth she makes that face I have become so accustomed to seeing. Those wincing eyes, mouth agape, and the immediate hand flying over her nose. I avoid people just to avoid their reactions. Even the ones who I know are trying to be polite. It hurts me to see people you work with on a regular basis rub their nose when the see you coming from a distance. I know I'm too far away for them to smell me, but in their mind they see me and that just triggers their memory of smelling sewer water. I just can't put into words the psychological pain I have felt all these years. Feelings of lonliness, frustration, being a freak, depression, and most of all envy of the so many people around me who are quite simply, "Normal." I try to live my life from one moment to the next. A good movie here, a nice meal at a restaurant, overseas trip, good TV shows, etc... Of course all these I do alone....

I could not have explained it better than that. Good luck with your healing!

[Busted]

I live my life like a hermit. I shun crowds, I hold my breath when I'm at the check out buying groceries, and I don't make it a point to go out with people even if they were the ones that invited me. The thing that kills me most is that deep down I am a very social person and have so much to say and share. It just devastates me when a girl actually comes smiling wanting to speak with me and when I open my mouth she makes that face I have become so accustomed to seeing. Those wincing eyes, mouth agape, and the immediate hand flying over her nose. I avoid people just to avoid their reactions. Even the ones who I know are trying to be polite. It hurts me to see people you work with on a regular basis rub their nose when the see you coming from a distance. I know I'm too far away for them to smell me, but in their mind they see me and that just triggers their memory of smelling sewer water. I just can't put into words the psychological pain I have felt all these years. Feelings of lonliness, frustration, being a freak, depression, and most of all envy of the so many people around me who are quite simply, "Normal." I try to live my life from one moment to the next. A good movie here, a nice meal at a restaurant, overseas trip, good TV shows, etc... Of course all these I do alone....

I could not have explained it better than that. Good luck with your healing!

Yea, I feel the exact same way, but there's nothin we can do about it (now). I screwed up today. Someone asked me why I'm always that quiet and never say much. I only say things when it's really neccesary, but I won't for instance start telling someone stories. I have to time my sentences and keep them as short as possible. But sometimes you have no choice but to say somethin. Anyways the answer I gave him was "That there are a lot of things I want to say, but I'm forced to keep my mouth shut", as he turned his head away from me. I don't know why I said that at the moment. But I wonder if he understands what I mean by it or maybe smell what I mean by it.

[Looking For Hope]

Hi guys,

Boy does this suck!! It is now day 3 and some things have gotton better and some things have gotton worse. Just last night I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep since actually having the surgery. It was the most unpeaceful, frustrating, unsatisfying sleep I can remember. It wasn't really sleep, but a state somewhere between consiousness and exhaustion. My breathing in my nostrils has improved a little. Unlike before, I can now lie down on my side and breath a little normally. Before I was gagging for air. At the end of day 2 I felt that I could slowly take myself off the pain medication as it appeared that the pain I was feeling would be the worst it could get. WRONG!!! I woke up with the pain in my throat being even worse. I couldn't wait to take my pain medication. Note guys, my throat doesn't really hurt in general all that much, but when you swallow, it feels like you are drinking acid! I am feeling really groggy but it has nothing to do with the medication but rather the lack of sleep.

Last night I treated myself to my first real meal. I had a packet of Lipton instant chicken noodle soup. Of course the soup was served at the delicious temperature of "Luke warm." I have cut myself off from watching the TV Food Network and any other show depicting people eating. I can't believe the foods I didn't really have a facination with before, I would gladly kill right now to eat some. Fresh roasted peanuts, piping hot greasy pizza, and crispy fried chicken are haunting my thoughts.... I am officially sick of drinking Ensure!! To those of you contemplating a tonsillectomy, let me tell you soup is a satisfying and welcome addition to your liquid diet. It may not taste so good because you have to eat it some what cold, but it is a feast after drinking how many bottles of plain water and Ensure.

Right now speaking is a painful and unwelcome task. My voice sounds so screwed up right now. Not even when I was really sick with a bad cold or flu did my voice sound so messed up as it is now. I am wondering when this is through if I will regain my normal speaking voice or is my voice going to change permanantley? Only time will tell.

As always to my brothers and sisters in this fight, may peace be with you.

[Looking For Hope]

Yea, I feel the exact same way, but there's nothin we can do about it (now). I screwed up today. Someone asked me why I'm always that quiet and never say much. I only say things when it's really neccesary, but I won't for instance start telling someone stories. I have to time my sentences and keep them as short as possible. But sometimes you have no choice but to say somethin. Anyways the answer I gave him was "That there are a lot of things I want to say, but I'm forced to keep my mouth shut", as he turned his head away from me. I don't know why I said that at the moment. But I wonder if he understands what I mean by it or maybe smell what I mean by it. [/quote]

Hey Busted,

After reading your message I had to laugh. It's so funny to realize how so deeply connected we all are. I have been asked that so many times, "Why are you so quiet? Why are you so shy?" I do the exact same thing you do. However for me, I've also learned to communicate using a variation of my own sign language. I have perfected my own body and hand gestures to effectively commuicate without saying anything. At least you had the guts to actually say something...

[Busted]

However for me, I've also learned to communicate using a variation of my own sign language. I have perfected my own body and hand gestures to effectively commuicate without saying anything.

Teach me

Right now if I say something it's not good, if I don't say anythin it's not good either. There aren't many options left for me but that one.

[Looking For Hope]

However for me, I've also learned to communicate using a variation of my own sign language. I have perfected my own body and hand gestures to effectively commuicate without saying anything.

Teach me

Right now if I say something it's not good, if I don't say anythin it's not good either. There aren't many options left for me but that one.

Busted,

My technique has been developed gradually over the years involving facial expressions, eye gestures, out right finger pointing. I would not recommend this system to anyone as the most common reply especially among women are, "Ha ha! Your funny!" And I don't mean funny in the Seinfeld type of way.

On a side note, I am desparate for sleep. I am going to take a sleeping pill as I absolutley cannot sleep. Part of the reason why I am having trouble is the fact that my breathing has become so pronounced. This has never really happened before prior to surgery but as of now, I can breath through both my nostrils at once with no blockage. The insides of my nostrils and the back of my throat are drying out very fast. I occasionally catch myself snorting which I never do. I don't remember every being able to breath this clearly through my nose. I don't know if this is a good thing for now, but I am definetly not used to it. Ear pain, gumline pain, and the back of my eye balls are pulsing. I don't know if this is from the surgery or the lack of sleep. But either way, it really sucks.

[Looking For Hope]

Hey guys,

It is now day four after tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. In one word, how can I describe it....PAIN!!!! There is now a constant feeling of pain around my entire gumline, my neck, a throbbing sensation from the back of my eyes, and worst of all, a shooting pain coming out from both ears. To be perfectly honest, is it really that bad? The answer to that is, "It depends." You don't really need pain killers after a tonsillectomy. There will be a constant dull pain from your neck area which is no different when you are experiencing a cold. No big deal. The kicker is when you have to swallow!! At day four, everytime I swallow the aforementioned symptons are amplified and then some! You definetly need the pain medication if you are to drink or eat anything. My current regimen of taking my liquid pain killers every four hours is how I set myself to eat and drink. When I know my medication has set it, I will eat and drink as much as possible before it wears off.

Sleep is still a luxury I cannot afford yet. My body and mind are brittle with fatigue. Every joint seems to make an audible, "Crack" sound when I get up. When preparing for my operation, I recorded a bunch of my favorite TV shows thinking I will just kick back and cruise through this. I could not have been more wrong. I simply don't even have the desire to do that. If you knew anything about me, that is saying a lot! I am clock watching until the next four hours...

I had some seaweed soup last night which was a God send. My diet revolves around bottled water, Ensure, Silk soy milk, and soup. For those of you considering a tonsillectomy, soup is the only thing right now that makes me feel half normal. Please prepare your diets accordingly.

On a totally ridiculous side note, I have not had a bowel movement since the surgery and my body has given me no indication that it want's to make one anytime soon. I know this can't be that healthy. I will try to negotiate some solid food with my soup today.

I can't believe the things we are willing to do to ourselves in trying to fight this affliction. I know it is easier said then done, but try and keep your head up high gang!! Take care everyone.

[elliott]

Hang in there. You are probably getting through the worst of it. Thanks for sharing.

[Iris]

I live my life like a hermit. I shun crowds, I hold my breath when I'm at the check out buying groceries, and I don't make it a point to go out with people even if they were the ones that invited me. The thing that kills me most is that deep down I am a very social person and have so much to say and share. It just devastates me when a girl actually comes smiling wanting to speak with me and when I open my mouth she makes that face I have become so accustomed to seeing. Those wincing eyes, mouth agape, and the immediate hand flying over her nose. I avoid people just to avoid their reactions. Even the ones who I know are trying to be polite. It hurts me to see people you work with on a regular basis rub their nose when they see you coming from a distance. I know I'm too far away for them to smell me, but in their mind they see me and that just triggers their memory of smelling sewer water. I just can't put into words the psychological pain I have felt all these years. Feelings of lonliness, frustration, being a freak, depression, and most of all envy of the so many people around me who are quite simply, "Normal." I try to live my life from one moment to the next. A good movie here, a nice meal at a restaurant, overseas trip, good TV shows, etc... Of course all these I do alone....

Wow! Your confession touched me a lot because these are my feelings for many years. I am afraid I will become a hermit since I cannot thinking anything else during these days than what your described very well. The difference between us is that I always had a partner despite of my BB. I really do not know how my ex boyfriends and now my husband can stand my breath while the majority of people rub their noses. Maybe they had problem with sense of smell or they really liked me to the point to stand my breath. But, you know what? The fact that I always had boyfriends and now a husband who accept the way I am is not enough and it does not make me happier at all. I envy people who can talk face to face. My fantasies are not different than yours. Sometimes I wish my husband could smell what the majority of people smell. If so, he could understand my pain of everyday. To him, everything is in my mind. Therefore, he does not follow my attempts to reduce the smell. He does not see any sense at all in any new medicine I buy every time someone says it is good for BB.

[Looking For Hope]

Hello all,

First of all, for those of you who have been following my little saga I thank you for your support and encouraging words. It genuinely does make me feel better emotionally.

Entering into day 5 after tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy surgery. I don't know what to say but I feel a little better?? I still have a horrific pain in my throat when I swallow and still need my liquid pain medication to enable me to eat and drink. But everthing else has remained pretty static. I don't know if I'm at a plateau, waiting for the next level of excruciating pain or to go down to a lower level of relief.

The shooting pain in my gumline and especially in my ears is really pissing me off. My ENT told me to expect all this as the tonsils were very vascular and were connected to a lot of things. In all honesty after having the surgery, I probably have gotton less then 5-7 hours of total sleep. I'm not kidding. I would gladly trade for more pain if I could get some decent sleep. My body has already learned to set itself to wake up at the 4 hour mark. When I do fall asleep, it's not for more than 30-45 minutes or less.

This may sound funny but the one change that has taken place which I am not happy with now is my new and improved breathing. I can now breath quite clearly through my nostrils. Before one nostril would always be blocked or I would have limited breathing in general. All of a sudden, I am getting a huge surge of air. For my whole life I breathed through restricted nostrils and now I have too much air! I know, sounds stupid... I am not trying to breath any more heavy then before but now all this new air is going through my nose. The inside of my nose and the back of my throat are drying frequently causing irritation. When I do manage to pass out, I find myself waking up from snorting when I take in too much air at once.

I mentioned in a prior post that I have not had a bowel movement since the surgery. Obviously this is attributed to this "wonderful" liquid diet. I am not feeling sick, backed up, or experiencing any type of abdominal discomfort. But deep down I know you have to clean the pipes once in a while to keep things working. I incorported more solid food in my diet in the form of well cooked rice and will try to eat some soft vegetables in order to promote an episode of "nature."

To my fellow brothers and sisters in this fight, may God be with you all.

[Looking For Hope]

Hello everyone,

Entering into day six post surgery. The overall pain has been declining. I still need pain killers to eat and drink, but other than that I think I may be actually getting over a hump. I still cannot get any sleep. I spoke with my ENT'S office and they confirmed that insomnia was a known problem and recommended sleeping on elevated pillows. Since the surgery I think of had less then 8-10 hours of actual sleep. What is going on you ask? Everytime I lay down on my side or on my back, my nasal passages will shut down and I literally start to gag for air. The funny thing is if I'm sitting or standing, I can breath at 150%. I know it's not mucus because of this. How do I sleep...I pass out in a seated position while in front of my computer or in front of the television from exhuastion. It's not satisfying at all, but hey, I made the choice to do this operation. I hope this condition doesn't last too long.

On totally different note, I had my first bowel movement today. It was short, simple, and to the point. Enough said. Just a reminder to you folks who are on the road to a tonsillectomy, I just learned a harsh lesson today which caused me some outstanding agony. I made a horrific mistake of eating a single prune. Yes, a prune. I normally eat prunes as a healthy snack. In my mind, how could it hurt, it has fiber, nutritious, and does not have any sharp or hard texture to it. Perfectly safe!! I popped a small prune in my mouth and began to chew very well. I then swallowed the prune which I thought would be the first of many. I then felt a surge of hellacious fire come from my throat. I was thinking "What is going on??" Then it hits me, I was so focused on worrying about the fruit's soft texture, I didn't think of the citric acid inside of it. Granted a prune is not known to be the most acidic fruit, but after a tonsillectomy, a little acid will go a very long way....

So gang be careful what you eat. Too often we just look at something and think if it's cool and soft, then it must mean it is safe to eat. You also have to be mindful of those hidden dangers like latent acids and spices. I can't wait to be able to sleep and eat normally again! Take care gang!

[Looking For Hope]

Okay folks,

I'm rolling into day 7 post surgery. In my last post I mentioned that I thought I was feeling better. Well today I'm back in miserable suffering mode. This is really frustrating. Your supposed to get better with time. With a Tonsillectomy it's a virtual roller coaster. The shooting pain in my ears is intense as well as the pain in my throat everytime I swallow. Gumline aches, head pain, and fatigue are killing me. The bad news is I'm nearly out of the liquid pain killers. I only have a few more doses left. My ENT left town for an emergency and won't be back until the end of next week. In the meantime, does anyone know of any over the counter pain killer I could buy that will work? I really do need my pain killers to eat and drink.

A small portion of the thick white scabbing on one side of my tonsil area is slowly beginning to flake off. I don't know if this is contributing to any of my discomfort. But above all else at this time, the thing that is genuinely beginning to SCARE me is the fact that I haven't been able to get a descent block of sleep since having the surgery. I'm dying to talk directly with my ENT when he gets back about this. If the pain persists, so be it but I take sleep very seriously. I tried taking a sleeping pill last night. It did knock me out, but while I was out I had really bad dreams as if I was fighting with someone. I woke up about 1-1/2 hours later after I took the pill to find all my pillows were on the ground and my bed sheets strewn about. I was never able to fall back asleep. I hope that it's nothing serious at this point and that this is just a phase that will pass. My ENT told me that a tonsillectomy & adenoidectomy were very common and low risk procedures. I'll happily endure another two weeks of pain if I could get at least 5-6 hours of restful sleep a night. Take care gang.

[Looking For Hope]

Hey gang,

It has been nearly two weeks since my surgery. I'm glad to report that I am able to sleep and eat somewhat normally now. I just had a Lumber Jack Slam for breakfast at Dennys and crispy fried chicken for lunch today. All I can say is... Sweeeeet!!!!! My ENT related that my inability to sleep was very common. Due to the inflamation caused by the surgery, my nasal passages were closing down when I laid down. But now I can get several hours of sleep.

I am off the pain killers but I still have a chronic sore throat. It's no worse than having a common cold at this point so it's pretty manageable. I still have those God awful thick white scabs at the back of my throat. My throat looks like the aftermath of a massive chemical/biological warfare strike. It's utterly disgusting. My ENT related that as long as I have these scabs I can still expect bad breath to haunt me. There is still so much left back there that I am tempted to get a spoon and start scraping them off!!

For those of you planning a tonsillectomy, here are some basic rules to follow:

1. Get all your supplies ahead of time. Buy in bulk bottled water, Ensure, Gatorade, soy milk, and lots of your favorite soups. This will save unnecessary trips to the store. Trust me, you will be in no mood to travel.

2. Take no less than 2 weeks off for work. More time off the better, but not less than 2 weeks minimum!!!

3. Stay on top of your pain medication. If you are beginning to run low, call in for a refill immediately. Do not wait till you run out like I did! A lot of unnecessary pain could have been avoided...

4. Above all else, this I consider the most important rule. DO NOT GET SICK! Avoid crowds, going to the mall, hanging out with friends, etc... The biggest threat to you is sickness. After my surgery for about a good one and a half weeks I could not sleep, breathe, eat, and drink properly. The pain and discomfort were just awful. The thought horrifies me if I had gotton sick with a bad cold or flu. Just imagine feeling like death already and getting sick to boot. Uncontrollable coughing, sneezing, congestion, body aches, fever on top of everything else. I probably would have to go to the hospital for sure if I had gotton sick.

For those of you planning your surgeries, I sincerly wish you well and much success. I'm sorry to say it probably will be the longest most miserable two weeks of your life, but hey, what do we have to lose? When all these stupid scabs fall off I will update you guys if I notice a change for the better in the future. Take care and God bless.