rejections, hurt feelings, etc...
Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 5:53 pm
i'm responding with this post to many that i've read regarding rejections and hurts feelings that we've had not only from society, but from people who're supposed to be our friends.
i myself have had my share of people reacting to me. however, i think we need to make the distinction of people actually treating you in a mean way, rather than bb being a socially awkward issue which makes other people feel insecure about THEIR breath as well, thus creating the distance which hurts our feelings so much. of course, there's also the fact that any unpleasant odor is just unpleasant. it is human nature to react to anything sensory unpleasantness unless one is deeply in tune with the sensitivity that it causes us.
i've had random strangers reacting to me with shock and what i read as disgust. i've had acquaintances and people who obviously admire me for other qualities act surprised and awkward upon discovering my breath odor, thinking that they were the ones having the bb, then distance themselves. and it usually ends up being an embarrassing social situation.
with most of my friends, i think some of them went through this surprised then awkward stage. but at least the way that i perceive it is that, they got used to it and then stopped treating me with that awkwardness.
a lot of you who complain about people in your life, that is friends and family, who do not accept you with your bb. what it points out to me is that maybe you need to re-consider why those people are your friends. i count myself as being lucky to be loved and liked by quite a number of people. i especially count myself lucky as having friends who don't treat things like this as a big deal. they are people who see way past and deeper than how one smells. (In my circle of friends, there's a number of people with odor problems. most of them seemingly completely oblivious to it, but the problem is quite obvious to everyone around them! but within our circle, they were never rejected because of that. in fact esp. one of them is loved everywhere he goes. of course with romantic relationships, it's a little bit more difficult, as i think that rejections can naturally come from that more often.)
if you try to think about it with an analogy-i'm sure a lot of people, especially women, have issues about how they look. i feel better or worse about how i look at different times-sometimes depending on who i am with as well. i'm considered to be attractive by enough people, but let's say for someone who only considers model-type physique to be beautiful, i sure as hell would not fit into their idea of beauty. as i'm petite, tho' not fat, i'm not the boney type. (and would never even want to be) given that this particular type of physique (model-like) is not even my own standard of beauty, i'd still nevertheless feel insecure about my looks precisely because i do not look like that in certain situations.
my point is that, i wouldn't find much value in someone who is so superficial that they'd only date models because of the social value anyway. (however, having a type is different. we all have preferences in attraction.) but let's say i keep trying to get those people to date me even tho' i don't look like a model, i need to question why i put myself thru' such miseries.
it could be our looks, it could be any weakness that we possess. true friends won't reject you simply because you smell bad. but if they're the type of people who can't see people past that, we need to learn to not care about them and their opinion as much. yes, it's hard. but it's just life. some people automatically treat someone who's crippled in a certain way, and they'll need to live with that and be more selective in who would automatically accept them. some people appear charming at first, but have such character flaws that after people ahve gotten to know them better, would begin to alienate themselves due to those flaws. there's a whole spectrum of what's accepted and what's not by our fellow human beings based on preferences and compatibility. for us, part of that is bb. how WE deal with it internally and emotionally is a difficult battle. but we need to seperate that from people's reactions from us.
we need to accept that there'll be surprises or embarrassments in reaction. we need to accept that there'll be rejections-just like if i were to try to date someone who only dates models, i'm only setting myself up for rejections. but i have no desire myself to date someone who's like that anyway, so it doesn't bother me. so i need to transfer that feeling of not caring about people who are bothered by my bb as well.
i think we need to make sure that we're not projecting our own shame onto others' rejection toward us. at the same time, if the non-acceptance is truly there amongst those whom you consider your true friends, think about why you've surrounded yourself with those people.
i do believe that we HAVE a choice in who we let in our lives. it can be limited by geography, etc. to a certain extent-but still, we need to focus on what we need to care about and what we need to let go-while continuing to find a cure to improve our quality of life.
i myself have had my share of people reacting to me. however, i think we need to make the distinction of people actually treating you in a mean way, rather than bb being a socially awkward issue which makes other people feel insecure about THEIR breath as well, thus creating the distance which hurts our feelings so much. of course, there's also the fact that any unpleasant odor is just unpleasant. it is human nature to react to anything sensory unpleasantness unless one is deeply in tune with the sensitivity that it causes us.
i've had random strangers reacting to me with shock and what i read as disgust. i've had acquaintances and people who obviously admire me for other qualities act surprised and awkward upon discovering my breath odor, thinking that they were the ones having the bb, then distance themselves. and it usually ends up being an embarrassing social situation.
with most of my friends, i think some of them went through this surprised then awkward stage. but at least the way that i perceive it is that, they got used to it and then stopped treating me with that awkwardness.
a lot of you who complain about people in your life, that is friends and family, who do not accept you with your bb. what it points out to me is that maybe you need to re-consider why those people are your friends. i count myself as being lucky to be loved and liked by quite a number of people. i especially count myself lucky as having friends who don't treat things like this as a big deal. they are people who see way past and deeper than how one smells. (In my circle of friends, there's a number of people with odor problems. most of them seemingly completely oblivious to it, but the problem is quite obvious to everyone around them! but within our circle, they were never rejected because of that. in fact esp. one of them is loved everywhere he goes. of course with romantic relationships, it's a little bit more difficult, as i think that rejections can naturally come from that more often.)
if you try to think about it with an analogy-i'm sure a lot of people, especially women, have issues about how they look. i feel better or worse about how i look at different times-sometimes depending on who i am with as well. i'm considered to be attractive by enough people, but let's say for someone who only considers model-type physique to be beautiful, i sure as hell would not fit into their idea of beauty. as i'm petite, tho' not fat, i'm not the boney type. (and would never even want to be) given that this particular type of physique (model-like) is not even my own standard of beauty, i'd still nevertheless feel insecure about my looks precisely because i do not look like that in certain situations.
my point is that, i wouldn't find much value in someone who is so superficial that they'd only date models because of the social value anyway. (however, having a type is different. we all have preferences in attraction.) but let's say i keep trying to get those people to date me even tho' i don't look like a model, i need to question why i put myself thru' such miseries.
it could be our looks, it could be any weakness that we possess. true friends won't reject you simply because you smell bad. but if they're the type of people who can't see people past that, we need to learn to not care about them and their opinion as much. yes, it's hard. but it's just life. some people automatically treat someone who's crippled in a certain way, and they'll need to live with that and be more selective in who would automatically accept them. some people appear charming at first, but have such character flaws that after people ahve gotten to know them better, would begin to alienate themselves due to those flaws. there's a whole spectrum of what's accepted and what's not by our fellow human beings based on preferences and compatibility. for us, part of that is bb. how WE deal with it internally and emotionally is a difficult battle. but we need to seperate that from people's reactions from us.
we need to accept that there'll be surprises or embarrassments in reaction. we need to accept that there'll be rejections-just like if i were to try to date someone who only dates models, i'm only setting myself up for rejections. but i have no desire myself to date someone who's like that anyway, so it doesn't bother me. so i need to transfer that feeling of not caring about people who are bothered by my bb as well.
i think we need to make sure that we're not projecting our own shame onto others' rejection toward us. at the same time, if the non-acceptance is truly there amongst those whom you consider your true friends, think about why you've surrounded yourself with those people.
i do believe that we HAVE a choice in who we let in our lives. it can be limited by geography, etc. to a certain extent-but still, we need to focus on what we need to care about and what we need to let go-while continuing to find a cure to improve our quality of life.