trauma, therpay

[roam1]

i hve had bb for 20+ years, that i am aware. for me this has been a very traumatic expereince, with no root cause and action available. has anyone seen a therapist specialising in trauma, more specifically maybe for body conditions?

i have seen a few therapists over the years and have always been afraid to mention bb, but feel i cannot hold it in anymore- i know previous therapists always reduce things to 'anxiety, nervousness, fear etc' but these are just symptoms of bb and have been so ingrained over time.

i would really like to speak to someone about this, but feel maybe a 'regular' therapist is not apporpriate.

[roam1]

is there a discord, or chat group somewhere to chat in realtime?

[roam1]

anyone?

[HopefulOne]

Roam, where are you located? I finally told my Mom last year and I also disclosed my struggle to my best friend in December 2020. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder when I finally talked about it. This will definitely help!

[roam1]

UK, yes i cannot bear to do that yet, would be less stressful at moment to tell a stranger

[Taylor]

Roam1 – I’m a newbie as well so am trying to catch up and respond to some of the most recent posts. So please forgive my late response.

I’m not sure if these are the answers that you’re looking for, but over the years I have seen therapists/psychiatrists who I was referred to by family doctors etc. due to suffering from anxiety/depression/social issues. My ‘emotional issues’ were all a direct issue of suffering from chronic bb since early childhood. I was never able to get to the root of my problem with some of these professionals, so for the most part I was labelled as ‘deeply anxious and fearful,’ starting in early childhood. Even in a professional setting, I could not speak those two words - bb - as I knew that I would be further labelled as a woman who would/could not allow anyone to get close to people, even family. Despite smelling like a sewer when I walked into some of these offices, I was treated for all of the above with different kinds of meds for anxiety/depression etc. Time and time again I put myself in these no win situations. I finally gave up hope that ‘my condition’ would ever be treated for what it was. And so the trauma of living with bb for decades continued to escalate, and I withdrew into a world that was both unhealthy, and immobilizing.

The last medical situation that I experience happened 6 years ago when I was involved in a very serious winter car accident, in which I nearly lost my life. It was a terrifying experience as my van had ended up careening down a deep ravine and for 3 hours, the emergency service couldn’t find me. By the time they did, I was in shock and had serious hypothermia. My van had also landed upside down, so it took almost 2 hours for the ES team to saw my car apart, so that they could get me safely out of my vehicle. By this time, I had frostbite as well and due to further external injuries, I ended up in hospital for a week and then finally I was sent home. At this time I was operating a 100 acre horse farm on my own, and if not for the love/generosity of neighbours/clients/friends, I’m not sure how I would have managed, as it took me 6 weeks before I was slightly functional again.

For the next year, I went for physio 3 – 4 times per week. But a few weeks into physio, one of my therapists detected that I was not recovering as well as I should in some areas, and believed that I was suffering from PTSD as well. I wasn’t surprised as most of my night time dreams were haunted by the images/smells of gasoline fuel, and laying trapped in my car, believing for hours on end that the tank was going to catch on fire, and the car explode. Not how I thought I would exit this planet!

I was referred to a therapist who specialized in PTSD, and for 6 months I went to see this excellent therapist, once a week. We did some amazing work, and eventually I was put into a hypnotic state so that I could relive my accident, in a safe environment. While I was in this deep state, my therapist would put me back in that car, and I would relive the trauma all over again. Interesting enough, during one session I started to say things such as, ‘please don’t take me to the hospital because they’ll find out that I have bb, and not want to treat me. What strikes me even now about these comment while under hypnosis, is that the trauma/burden that I was carrying, that of my bb, was just as great as reliving the fear of my horrific car accident.

At the time, my PTSD therapist wrote this the ramblings from somewhere in my past; and while she disclosed everything that I said while I was under, she did not consider it a point to further investigate. I was being treated for the trauma caused by the car accident, and that was her entire focus. But I knew exactly what was going on in my heard – the additional trauma that comes from living a life with chronic bb.

Another opportunity was missed here as I simply could not express the depression, anxiety, social withdrawal, and fear that had been ruling my life for so many years, but it came out during one hypnotic session. I did recover from the impact of a near death experience, but the decades of trying to live my life so that I wouldn’t be an entire social outcast; had taken its toll on me.

I don’t know if this helps Roan, or the kind of response you were looking for, but my car accident 6 years ago and the year that I spent in physio, was the last time that I’ve come into contact with medical professionals, who I still couldn’t discuss what was troubling me the most. So I realize now that I will never discuss an issue that is so deeply personal to me, that I simply can’t discuss it out loud, even with a specialist.

But if you can find a good therapist, one who has dealt with all kinds of trauma, then I would encourage you to follow your heart. And I applaud you for having the desire and courage to consider this route.

Good luck and please keep us posted on your endeavors

[winter]

Taylor, how bad is your BB since you can still deal with client?

[Taylor]

Roam1 - My bb has been described as hideous, sewer mouth, rotten meat, shit, rotten eggs, farts etc, since I was 10 years old. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you can relate. But the above very much describes what the inside of my mouth tastes like to me.

My clients? I chose the horse profession not only because I've been a horse nut since early childhood, but as a horse trainer/teacher, my clients are all dealt with outside, or in an indoor arena in the winter, where I can keep my distance. My office is in the barn and my chair is strategically placed so that I'm more than 6 feet away (and more) if I'm signing up a new client.

I'm sure you can imagine that teaching someone to ride a horse allows you to be a good distance away from the student, and training other people's horses, the clients aren't there at all.

There are many other things I would have liked to do, but chose this profession because of the distance that I'm able to keep from my clients, and contact with owner who board their horses, is pretty much non existent. They come out and ride their horses, and I may or may not see them, until the end of the month.

I hope this answers your 'client' questions.

[Taylor]

"Roam1 – I’m a newbie as well so am trying to catch up and respond to some of the most recent posts. So please forgive my late response.

I’m not sure if these are the answers that you’re looking for, but over the years I have seen therapists/psychiatrists who I was referred to by family doctors etc. due to suffering from anxiety/depression/social issues. My ‘emotional issues’ were all a direct issue of suffering from chronic bb since early childhood. I was never able to get to the root of my problem with some of these professionals, so for the most part I was labelled as ‘deeply anxious and fearful,’ starting in early childhood. Even in a professional setting, I could not speak those two words - bb - as I knew that I would be further labelled as a woman who would/could not allow anyone to get close to people, even family. Despite smelling like a sewer when I walked into some of these offices, I was treated for all of the above with different kinds of meds for anxiety/depression etc. Time and time again I put myself in these no win situations. I finally gave up hope that ‘my condition’ would ever be treated for what it was. And so the trauma of living with bb for decades continued to escalate, and I withdrew into a world that was both unhealthy, and immobilizing.

The last medical situation that I experience happened 6 years ago when I was involved in a very serious winter car accident, in which I nearly lost my life. It was a terrifying experience as my van had ended up careening down a deep ravine and for 3 hours, the emergency service couldn’t find me. By the time they did, I was in shock and had serious hypothermia. My van had also landed upside down, so it took almost 2 hours for the ES team to saw my car apart, so that they could get me safely out of my vehicle. By this time, I had frostbite as well and due to further external injuries, I ended up in hospital for a week and then finally I was sent home. At this time I was operating a 100 acre horse farm on my own, and if not for the love/generosity of neighbours/clients/friends, I’m not sure how I would have managed, as it took me 6 weeks before I was slightly functional again.

For the next year, I went for physio 3 – 4 times per week. But a few weeks into physio, one of my therapists detected that I was not recovering as well as I should in some areas, and believed that I was suffering from PTSD as well. I wasn’t surprised as most of my night time dreams were haunted by the images/smells of gasoline fuel, and laying trapped in my car, believing for hours on end that the tank was going to catch on fire, and the car explode. Not how I thought I would exit this planet!

I was referred to a therapist who specialized in PTSD, and for 6 months I went to see this excellent therapist, once a week. We did some amazing work, and eventually I was put into a hypnotic state so that I could relive my accident, in a safe environment. While I was in this deep state, my therapist would put me back in that car, and I would relive the trauma all over again. Interesting enough, during one session I started to say things such as, ‘please don’t take me to the hospital because they’ll find out that I have bb, and not want to treat me. What strikes me even now about these comment while under hypnosis, is that the trauma/burden that I was carrying, that of my bb, was just as great as reliving the fear of my horrific car accident.

At the time, my PTSD therapist wrote this the ramblings from somewhere in my past; and while she disclosed everything that I said while I was under, she did not consider it a point to further investigate. I was being treated for the trauma caused by the car accident, and that was her entire focus. But I knew exactly what was going on in my heard – the additional trauma that comes from living a life with chronic bb.

Another opportunity was missed here as I simply could not express the depression, anxiety, social withdrawal, and fear that had been ruling my life for so many years, but it came out during one hypnotic session. I did recover from the impact of a near death experience, but the decades of trying to live my life so that I wouldn’t be an entire social outcast; had taken its toll on me.

I don’t know if this helps Roan, or the kind of response you were looking for, but my car accident 6 years ago and the year that I spent in physio, was the last time that I’ve come into contact with medical professionals, who I still couldn’t discuss what was troubling me the most. So I realize now that I will never discuss an issue that is so deeply personal to me, that I simply can’t discuss it out loud, even with a specialist.

But if you can find a good therapist, one who has dealt with all kinds of trauma, then I would encourage you to follow your heart. And I applaud you for having the desire and courage to consider this route.

Good luck and please keep us posted on your endeavors:

Roam1:

All you got out of my above post, in which I was trying to share my 'therapy experiences' with you; is that "I had clients?" And so how bad could my breath really be, if I had clients??

[roam1]

hi taylor, thank you for your veyr considered reply. i believe the reference to clients was from another user, not me.
i appreciate your reply- i completely relate with not being able to share your expereinces with a therapist. i have been courageous enough to share with doctors/ dentists and sepcicialts, because there is always something 'pragmatic' to talk about, reducing it to science or biology, not hygine. so it i can somehow share that- but with a therapist i feel the emotional weight and shame i've carried with bb wwould be too much. i dont know if i could handle them not being able to hold that space, or perhaps more so, them wanting to finding something 'else' to work with- and that sounds like your experience, where yuor accident i somehow more tangible for a therapist to process.

i feel evening saying BB is so abstract and bizare, i dont know how that would land. i similary have experienced decades of trauma, that have somehow impaired me, and others have attirbuted it to supposed autism, but i know in my heart and soul, it is bb that has warped everything

[Taylor]

Roam1 - so sorry, I realize that my last post should have been directed to "Winter."

I completely understand the 'weight' of even saying those two words out loud. Even when I first started posting on this Forum, a few weeks ago, the first time I typed out "bb" I felt as if I had just revealed something so deeply personal and alien, that somehow the shock of it all would be too much for others to bear. Yet that's exactly why I joined this Forum - to try and lighten this crushing burden with people who completely understood. And I simply wanted to diffuse the power that these two words held over me…

I remember two years into my marriage, when I was still in my early 20’s, I decided that I needed to confess to my husband the deeply personal issue that had been bothering me since we met. I had gotten so creative at hiding my bb, but now I was exhausted from the sheer emotional drainage of it all. And I wanted to have children.

I'd rehearsed this scenario for a week and now it was here. My husband sat across from me, waiting to hear the worst. I stumbled and faltered – simply couldn't get the words out. I started to cry and my husband told me that whatever the problem was, I could tell him anything. Somehow this made it even worse. My husband couldn't have been sweeter or more understanding of what he perceived I was going to tell him. And still I couldn't get the words out. So finally I went to the bedroom, got pen and paper and wrote out, “I have halitosis.” I gave the note to my husband and then went back to the bedroom, and collapsed in tears on my bed. By this point, I was inconsolable.

I had gotten so good at hiding my bb, that my husband thought I was telling him something to soften the blow as to what was really wrong. But for 2 years I had been able to keep this ‘darkness’ to myself, by planning out every single moment of our intimate life. And it worked until I was literally making myself ill.

It sounds ludicrous but I pulled it off. I planned and schemed so well that my husband never had the opportunity to ‘catch me off guard.’ There was never an instantaneous lustful moment for me - I gave sex even when I didn't really want it, so that my husband never had to build up any pent up sexual desires. I would use the Hydrogen Peroxide gargle that I've mentioned in other threads, and then I knew I had a few hours of clean, fresh breath. And then I would take advantage of this in every way possible. Not just for intimacy purposes but also just for those tender moments of lying in bed for hours on end, and chatting, face to face. I got so good at having 'fresh breath' that it’s no wonder my husband was perplexed by 'my note.'

The memory/image of me standing in front of my husband, terrified and anxious, barely out of my teens, still haunts me after all of these years. But instead of feeling relief by my confession, it only added to the weight of my ongoing burden.

My husband came into the bedroom, note in hand, and started to laugh – the worst thing he could have done. He had no idea what I was talking about and couldn’t understand why I was so upset. So I had to unravel all of the years that I’d lived with this problem, until then, and also told him the effort that it took for me to be ‘kissable.’ He didn’t believe me so I stopped using the H.P. and within a few days, my husband finally said, yes, you do have really bad breath – I had no idea. And eventually it did ruin our marriage as his family had started to notice my unpredictable and often times quirky behaviour, that sometimes I was warm/friendly and other times I wouldn’t say a word, and seemed really moody.

I never told another person about my deeply personal issue again. It backfired on me the first time, and I wasn't prepared to go down that road ever again.

I do think that professionals often have a hard time processing this information, when a patient/clients share this health issue, as it’s such a rarity in their practice. This has been my experience thus far – it seems to make them so uncomfortable and their diagnosis is completely wrong. I’ve been labelled so many things over the years, and I’m not surprised to hear that one thought you had autism. Our behaviour often reflects that of someone with unusual behaviour and this can manifest itself in so many ways.

Most of the professionals that I’ve seen were convinced that I was using bb as an excuse to avoid intimacy or to have close, meaningful relationships. For me, it’s completely the opposite. I’ve lost so many potential relationships because of my bb. And I’ve had to sit and listen to someone with no understanding whatsoever, tell me that I have social anxiety, major depression, anxiety in general, personality disorder etc.

Yes, I have them all. But every one of them are caused both directly and indirectly, by chronic, life long, bb.

[hatelife]

UK, yes i cannot bear to do that yet, would be less stressful at moment to tell a stranger

where about are you in UK? I am from Cardiff.