bad day

[waitingforrelief]

just needed to vent, if you guys don't mind.

i'm having a bad day with bb. it's not any worse than normal, but the stress from having to be around people all the time the last few days is wearing me out. and at some point i could feel myself snapping and could no longer stay in that semi-denial zone which keeps me at functioning mode in life. i've been told when talking about it that i've let this problem grow into a monster and that i've lost my perspective. i understand how in the larger scheme of things, there are way more important things in life than how we smell. on a good day, i recognize that myself, too. and the advice really came out of love becuase the person who said it simply doesn't see me as less of a person because of my bad breath.

however, if i may have a little pity party here, the everyday rejection of the simple and sometimes subtle gesture of people backing off away from you, or even just the slight tightening of the face - does not just make me lonely. they also feel like gestures of rejection which we need to endure every single day, multile times. as years go by, the hurt that they create is not something that one without this condition can truly understand.

so i go thru' my life being in that semi-denial stage to cope. and then i'm allowed to have some better days, even good ones. but then anxiety sets in because of other sources of stress, and of course from bad breath - especially when i have to be around people a lot in enclosed space. in order to cope with that anxiety, i settle into destructive behaviour which seems to make my breath worse which deepens my anxiety. then i become more depressed. until the wire snaps one day and i'm in a deep depression about it. and then it takes a little while for me to get out of that, and get into the "important" things in life -entering that zone of semi-denial again in order to live and cope. until the next time the wire snaps. either due to the stress from bb itself, or stress from other things which make me feel the loneliness and isolation and self-loathing of bb even more distinctly.

i am sure you guys understand what i'm talkking about. i am quite a mess right now writing this, but i do have to go and work and get on with my life and be with people again. so i'd better go wash my face, wipe away the tears, and go put on that armor and try to cope.

[hungrygirl]

At least you have someone who loves you even with this problem and doesnt care AND you can talk to him about it.

All this other people when you see them reacting to your bb, do they also desrespect you?
I mean if they have to cover their noses so let it be, maybe you would do the same if it was really offensive. But if they also accept you the way you are, maybe you can accept yourself too.

There are many people with bb and they have friends and partners so you are not this only freak on the planet. You know you are doing everything in your power, its not your fault.


(thats better)

[noptical]

I have those "bad days" quite often... Its just when something negative happens because of my bb (like theres anything positive that could happen because of bb lol) or when my bb prevents me from doing something something I really want and I was given the chance to, I just sit and think why the ***k does that happen to me? Why should I go through all this? Can't I just live a normal life like everyone else? Its not like I want to be a millionaire and drive a porsche, I just want something that everyone else takes for granted...
Then I say who ****ing cares and go play some guitar :p

[CyberchndriacNot]

I can relate to you. I have had to mask my breath with chewing gums and fresh mints, but I know too well that they are short-lived and only mask the problem. The most humiliating thing is when my students or colleagues say, here have a chewing gum. I was at an inset meeting with other teachers the other day where a speaker was brought in to conduct a workshop on the ways learners learn best. We were put into groups and after a brain-storm session, psoters were hung around the room. Some of my colleagues who work in my department had brainstormed that the best way for students to learn is to make sure that teachers' oral and personal hygiene is attended to. I am still crying... I too have always taken comfort in playing. For me music and the web are my life-line - they are the things that keep me going.

[Busted]

I'm not saying stop complaining like hungrygirl is doing, but just try not to give up, and keep on searching for that cure, even when you may never find it.

[waitingforrelief]

first of all, thanks for replying. i appreciate it that you guys responded.

hungrygirl, i do consider myself lucky that i have someonewho knows that i have this problem. but it's 'still hard to talk about. i still sense resistance in discussing the subject - well, even from myself. so it is still lonely. BUT, it's a lot better than a completely solitary fight like it used to be.

i don't get teased or anything. people don't usually say anything to me. i do know a lot of nice people. but i can tell they back away, sometimes even avoiding talking to me because they feel uncomfortable. and most of the time, I avoid them. nobody has done anything deliberately hurtful to me. but sometimes the polite silence and avoidance is almost worse. i almost wish someone would just say something to me.

almost, i don't know if i could handle it if they did.

i don't know if they accept me if they start avoiding me or act uncomfortable when they talk to me. i DO have friends who do accept me. that feels different. but when someone looks at you as if you're a weirdo (even politely), it's hard to fee that as accpetance. and i'm not someone who accepts myself easily to begin with...

i know it's my fault. but it's the "tainted" feeling that's hard to shake.

noptical, i'm glad you have your escape. so do i. but sometimes my obesession gets the better part of me and i can't let it go. i have been better tho'. for one thing, i've stopped looking up the interenet for solutions every single day for hours...

cyber, i understand what you are saying. i went thru' a period of time when i used to teach. a colleague tried to hint at me about my breath, i think. she started saying how kids always smell teachers' bad breath and it's important to brush one's teeth, blah blah blah. then she proceeeded to tell me how when she was young she had a teacher with bb and she always remembered it and smelled it. i could totally tell it was her kind way of trying to tell me that maybe the kids could smell my breath. maybe they were talking about it, i don't know. or maybe it's just that she smellled it . i know whatever it was, she did it out of good intentions. she simply didn't know that i couldn't help it with brushing. i got very uncomforatable at her bringing it up. and she senseed it and didn't go on. if she had brought it up now at this point in my life, i might be open to talking about it.

busted, i'm not giving up. i had areally bad morning, but i don't feel quite as bad now. i don't think hungrygirl was telling me to stop complaining. i think she was just reminding me of the silver lining...

gosh, i do hope that i find a cure. that WE all find a cure. i need to believe that we will.

[CyberchndriacNot]

So waiting, if somebody brought up the topic of your bad breath, how would you react? What would you say? I have this uncurable condition...don't worry I clean my teeth 5 times per day, but it doesn't help. Do you ignore comments? Maybe a humorous comeback? I've always ignored, but maybe I've got to be more assertive...

but doesn't it depend on the situation? who you are talking to? I mean at an interview - very stressful I knew I had it and was waiting for the interviewer to say something but he didn't - I don't know how I would've responded. but what about the colleagues with whom you have to work daily? What would you say?

[waitingforrelief]

So waiting, if somebody brought up the topic of your bad breath, how would you react? What would you say? I have this uncurable condition...don't worry I clean my teeth 5 times per day, but it doesn't help. Do you ignore comments? Maybe a humorous comeback? I've always ignored, but maybe I've got to be more assertive...

but doesn't it depend on the situation? who you are talking to? I mean at an interview - very stressful I knew I had it and was waiting for the interviewer to say something but he didn't - I don't know how I would've responded. but what about the colleagues with whom you have to work daily? What would you say?

well, it hink i could only handle having a close friend bring it up. i didn't mean like anyone. you know, someone who cares and who's concern who brings up the subject. the only comment that i've ever gotten was once when i was in college. i was sucking on a cough drop as i went up to a teacher to talk to her. as soon as i opened my mouth, she turned her head and went, "phew, that breath!" i think she did it precisely because she didn't know that it was chronic. not to say that it was polite or nice to begin with. anyway, i was completely stoic in response to the comment. somehow in my stage of denial, it didn't do anything to me. if it'd happened now, i'd be devastated.

besides that, i've never gotten a direct comment. the other day, i was in a group and the guy next to me said to the whole table, "it smells like cow manure here." (we were sitting outside at a restaurant - i did smell something funky but didn't know if it was in the air or if i was smelling myself.) ii didn't think my breath smelled fecal that day, but of course i got all paranoid. but then that was the same guy who was hitting on me. so go figure. i have no idea if it was me, or if he smelled my breath and just didn't know that it was me, or if it wasn't me and it was just a bad smell in the air and that's why he was still interested in hitting on me... it gets super confusing sometimes. but that has been haunting me since even tho' he continued to show an interest. (which i guess made me doubt if i smell that bad? or that if guys just don't care when they think with their "other brain"?)

i don't expect any of my co-workers to say anything. everyone is far too polite. the ones i'm friends with, they won't either. so i'm not expecting any comments there.