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I Remain in the Shadows
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- Total Newbie
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2014 6:04 pm
I Remain in the Shadows
I have reached a point where I am tired. I am tired of the isolation. I am tired of the comments, the jokes. I am tired of the laughter. I am tired of the disrespect. I am tired of letting people take advantage of and walk all over me because I'm too afraid to speak up for myself. I'm afraid of all social situations. I make up lies all the time when I get invited out. I don't even know why people invite me out. I hide from the world. I hide from my family. I have spent every major holiday alone for the past six years, maybe more. I have become a recluse. I am socially awkward now. I'm afraid of people. I hold my breath as much as I can when I am sitting or standing next to someone else. My defense mechanisms don't work. I wonder if they every did in the first place. People act like I'm doing this on purpose. They think I just don't take care of my body. I'm a leper. I'm a pariah. I can't take it anymore.
My professional life is suffering. I've had this job for about five months now (no idea how I got it with this condition), but there are people there who never talk to me. They sniffle when they walk past my desk. Quick story: I remember when I was shadowing one day and the girl I was shadowing put a piece of gum in her mouth, a peppermint, and a lifesaver all AT THE SAME TIME. Damn, that hurt. I really think they're looking for a way to get rid of me. Don't be surprised if I come back to this thread and share the news that I've been fired. They won't say it's BB, but I'll know.
Despite the fact that I'm tall and I've been told numerous times that I'm handsome, I can't get a girlfriend. Even when I notice girls looking at me, I pretend to not notice. I don't want to have to walk up to them or have them walk up to me. I haven't kissed a girl's lips in almost two years. I've had a few girlfriends in my life, but I don't know how I pulled it off. I know my last girlfriend's parents hated me and must have rejoiced the day they found out she broke up with me.
At this point, I can't even be mad at anyone. I'm mad at the fact that this is how my life has turned out. It feels like I'll never reach my true potential. My confidence hasn't existed for almost a decade. I have NONE. My self-esteem is gone. I am doubting my whole belief system. I stopped asking God for healing. I've stopped going to Church. I don't read my Bible anymore. I'm alone. I don't feel like anyone understands me.
My goal is not to depress anyone. None of you owes me anything . . . you don't even know me. I guess I just needed to feel like someone is listening . . . someone who understands what this is like. I have written s*****e letters and wonder if the day will come that I send them out. If that day comes, it's because I've finally made the decision to end it all. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to stop being the guy with the bad breath. The stink or stank breath. All this typing and I still only scratched the surface.
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- Total Newbie
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2014 6:04 pm
Will I ever know a life without this? Will I ever kiss a woman's lips again? Will I get married? Will I ever be able to sit next to someone and just talk freely? Will I ever get to laugh with my mouth open again? Will I ever love myself again?
I just can't seem to find the sense in all this. I would never wish this on anyone. Man, this sucks. BB sucks!
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- Total Newbie
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2014 6:04 pm
- Ihatemybreath
- Master
- Posts: 261
- Joined: Sat Aug 10, 2013 8:14 pm
- Location: Brazil
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- Junior
- Posts: 60
- Joined: Mon Jan 06, 2014 9:22 pm
I have bb all my life and while it's not as bad as it's used to be because of tung brush + Gel, I still get reactions and it really drives me crazy sometimes. Always gettin nervous when someone comes near to me or when someone is in front of my face and asks me something and I only do some body gesture and walk somewhere else, is just weird. Sometimes (lately more than in the past) I hate my life. What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? Also when it comes to women, it's always the same shit. I was in a couple of relationships and after a couple of months it was over because guess why? I can't be a good partner since I can't even kiss the girl I'm with because my mind is so obsessed with this problem.
So right now I just try to concentrate my mind on other things like my hobbies and of course my great friends who still go out with me despite my fucked up problem.
So you really should go out with your friends despite your problem. If they still want to go out with you even if they know about your problem then you have great friends just like I do. They are maybe the most important people in your life (for me my friends are the best group of guys I know and I wouldn't know what the hell I would do without them).
I am waiting for the results of a TMAU test that I took on Thurs. They should have the results in a few weeks.
The worst part of all of this is that I am a military wife and we move around a lot and I see women making friends all around me and I just sit "in the shadows" like you. I am normally very confident and friendly, but with this BB I have lost all confidence, and like you said I look like a have some sort of social problem. I feel like a freak at times. I get so jealous of others making friends and I have NEVER been a jealous person. I used to depise people who were the jealous types, not understanding their problems…now I see how insecurities can mess with people's minds and cause them to be jealous…maybe this is what I had to learn.
I hang on to the thought that this is a learning experience. Maybe we will all graduate to being Angels in heaven when we die, who knows?! But somehow I know that there must be a reward in the end for us, because with hard work comes rewards.
I will let you all know what the results are in the next few weeks.
you should see my medicine cabinet…it is overflowing with supplements. I feel like a crazy person when I look in it.
one of the things that I used recently to cut the smell is Chelated Molybdenum. It is a mineral that we all need. I did a hair test once and I was low in it. I seemed to be having less reactions on it. The brand I used was from Solgar if you want to try it. I breaks down sulfur in the body. I don't work with the kids anymore so I didn't test it out long enough, but would love it if others would test it for me.
I also took 15mg of zinc on a full stomach.